Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 07/16/10
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 16-07-2010
Tags: Craig Ferguson jokes, hilarious jokes, Jay Leno jokes, Jimmy Fallon jokes, really funny jokes
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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:
“At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I’d keep that a secret. You don’t want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.” –Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?” –Jay Leno
“Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a ‘heart.’” –Craig Ferguson
“After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row.” –Jimmy Fallon
“South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they’re installing robots along the U.S. border that say ‘Hola.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that’s spewing from there. And if it works, they’re going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.” –Craig Ferguson
“Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, ‘Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can’t get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can’t even get Roman Polanski.” –Jay Leno
“Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona’s to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost.” –Jay Leno
“Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.” –Jay Leno
“On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.” –Jay Leno
“Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, ‘Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.’” –Jimmy Fallon
“Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona.” –Jay Leno
“Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they’re confident.” –Jay Leno
