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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table. –Jay Leno

A rare copy of Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation sold for $2.1 million at an auction house in New York City. As you know, the Emancipation Proclamation is the document that freed the vampires. –Jay Leno

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs. –Jay Leno

Regis will be back with Kathie Lee on the fourth hour of the “Today” show. You know how long Regis Philbin has been around? This guy used to hunt vampires with Abe Lincoln. -David Letterman

President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney’s business career by calling him an “outsourcer-in-chief.” Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India. –Jimmy Fallon

A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog, after it was found 500 miles away. In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people take a hint?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that pigeons can actually recognize human faces. So I guess my pigeon friend was just blowing me off the other day in Starbucks. –Jimmy Fallon

Ford has a new technology to help keep a car in its lane on the highway. They say it works great — until you want to exit the highway. –Jimmy Fallon

Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free. –Jay Leno

Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They’re all terrorists, but they agree with Carter. –Jay Leno

Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That’s scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can’t work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us? –Jay Leno

A new study says it is OK for woman to drink during pregnancy. Well, why not? Most of them were drunk when they got pregnant in the first place. –Jay Leno

The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney’s running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, “a person of color.” -Conan O’Brien

Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao. -Conan O’Brien

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they’re not allowed to drive. -Conan O’Brien

In July some McDonald’s workers will debut their new uniforms inspired by the TV show “Mad Men.” Also inspired by the 1960s: their wages. -Conan O’Brien

The subways here in New York City now have Wi-Fi. I love it because now in the morning on my way to work I can check my e-hate mail. -David Letterman

Did you know the “Today” show is four hours long? It’s like a telethon. -David Letterman

Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the “Today” show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it’s constitutional. -David Letterman

Egypt has a new president — Mohammed Morsi. How many of you attended the Mohammed Morsi fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house? -David Letterman

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. –Craig Ferguson

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things — a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan. –Craig Ferguson

A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, “But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.” –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot — in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler. –Jimmy Fallon

Rapper 50 Cent is doing fine after he was involved in a car accident last night. There was a lot of damage, but fortunately his insurance covers him up to like, 75 cent. –Jimmy Fallon

Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 counts. Penn State did not release a statement on the Sandusky verdict. As usual they’re going to wait 10 years before they say anything. –Jay Leno

Experts say Sandusky is headed for a special circle of hell in the prison system. See, you never hear about the good things the prison system does. –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by this fall. The price drop is the result of a complicated system. It’s called the election. –Jay Leno

A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn’t know that meant flip-flopping. –Jay Leno

Anybody go to the big gay pride parade over the weekend? I like the gay pride parade. Everybody dresses up. Where else can you see a 300-pound guy in a cocktail dress? -David Letterman

This weekend is the swim around Manhattan Island. You go to the Hudson, up the East River, and then back down the Hudson, 28 miles around Manhattan. The winner gets a trophy and hepatitis. -David Letterman

Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair. -David Letterman

Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he’s not much of a president. They’re also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter. -David Letterman

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it. –Craig Ferguson

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born? –Craig Ferguson

I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it’s California. In Hollywood, we’re going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it. –Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing “The Robot” — or as Romney calls that, “The Me.” –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got “lost in the mail.” –Jimmy Fallon

Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they tied in an Olympic qualifying event. The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC’s coverage of it will last about a day and a half. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Tampa is the vainest city in the U.S. In fact, they’re so vain they probably think this joke is about them. –Jimmy Fallon

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