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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school. –Jay Leno

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs? –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, Asians are immigrating to this country more than any other minority group. But unlike other groups, Asian immigrants are just here to do the jobs Americans aren’t smart enough to do. –Jay Leno

Our space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is 11 billion miles in space. It’s on the verge of leaving our solar system on its mission to find other civilizations to try and borrow money from. –Jay Leno

Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said “Leave me alone, I’m having a drink.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that the U.S. military has created tiny drones the size and shape of insects. They don’t kill anybody but they can totally ruin al-Qaida’s summer picnic. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday it was reported that the U.S. Navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana that had been dumped into the ocean. And then two hours later the Navy invaded Taco Bell. –Conan O’Brien

New York City reached 102 degrees. That’s the first time all year the temperature in Manhattan was higher than the age of Barbara Walters. -Craig Ferguson

It was so hot Lance Armstrong injected himself with cold lemonade. -Craig Ferguson

For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don’t know what’s scarier — that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new website called Sexy Mandarin that uses half-naked models to help you learn Chinese. Or in other words, there’s a new website where you won’t learn Chinese. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years. –Jay Leno

Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising. –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan was treated for exhaustion. Here’s my question: How many of you are exhausted just hearing about Lindsay Lohan? –Jay Leno

President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November. –Jay Leno

Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, “Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.” –Conan O’Brien

On the set of her new movie, Lindsay Lohan has been treated for exhaustion. Also being treated for exhaustion is the guy who does the body work on Lohan’s car. –Conan O’Brien

A new brand of frozen burrito is actually being marketed as a snack for people high on marijuana. The marketing consists of just labeling it a burrito. –Conan O’Brien

The theory behind the Freudian slip has been scientifically proven after 111 years. I think that’s the breast news I heard all week. –Conan O’Brien

Everybody have a good Father’s Day? It’s the day we honor the man mom divorced. –David Letterman

According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July. –David Letterman

This will be Kim’s third marriage and experts say that if she stays healthy she could beat the record currently held by Larry King. –David Letterman

They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father’s Day. Donald Trump — always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody’s parade — Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s scorecard. –David Letterman

It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said “I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.” There’s no word on how Obama responded. -Craig Ferguson

It’s also a great day today for Sir Paul McCartney. He’s 70 years old today. Now that Paul is getting up there in age, he’s making lifestyle adjustments. A few months ago, he announced he’s quitting marijuana. No more drugs, except for the kind in little bottles that are difficult to open. -Craig Ferguson

McCartney once said he’ll probably die on stage. Take it from someone who does it every night, Paul. It ain’t what it’s cracked up to be. -Craig Ferguson

Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, 100 rounds of golf since being elected. It was weird when Obama asked his caddie for a recommendation and he was like, “Uhh, don’t play so much golf?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that Republicans are more likely to go to Dunkin’ Donuts, while Democrats are more likely to get their breakfast at Starbucks. While Governor Chris Christie takes the bipartisan route and gets a breakfast from each. –Jimmy Fallon

Next month two men in Oregon plan to travel 400 miles in two lawn chairs, connected to a bunch of balloons. Or as North Korea calls that, “the space program.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a rumor going around that suggests President Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to win the election. And if he doesn’t win, at least he’ll have a way to mellow out later. –Jay Leno

Guantanamo Bay is getting millions of dollars in upgrades and renovations. They’re adding things like cable TV, nicer beds, an athletic facility. In fact, the government isn’t even running Guantanamo Bay anymore. It’s now part of the Sandals Resorts organization. –Jay Leno

There was a report in the paper today that the city of Detroit will go broke in two weeks. Are you surprised by that? Didn’t you think Detroit went broke, like, 10 years ago? –Jay Leno

It’s being reported that more and more elderly people are being incarcerated in this country than ever before. Well, of course. They’re easier to catch. –Jay Leno

There is a big movie opening today. I’m very excited about this movie, “Rock of Ages.” It’s a musical about the hair-metal bands of 1980s. I’m not the biggest fan of hair-metal. How good can a musical genre be when it’s known for its hairstyle? -Craig Ferguson

A lot of these hair-metal songs were popular because of the video games Rock Band and Guitar Hero. Nothing says rock ‘n’ roll like playing a video game in your parents’ basement. -Craig Ferguson

What I’ve never understood about Guitar Hero is that if you go through all the trouble to be good at Guitar Hero, why don’t you just learn to play the guitar? -Craig Ferguson

“Rock of Ages” is basically just karaoke for middle-aged people. It’s “Glee” for dads. -Craig Ferguson

A new survey found that US Airways is the most hated airline in the country. Today, US Airways apologized to its passengers — then charged them a $50 apology fee. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in the UK has been accused of hacking into the PBS website. That finally answers the question — “who’s the world’s lamest hacker?” –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is Father’s Day. This year I got my dad a new set of golf clubs, a golf bag, some tees — man, if he ever learns how to play golf, he is set. –Jimmy Fallon

This Monday is the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. Or as it was known in 1812, “The War.” –Jimmy Fallon

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