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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O ‘Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for. –Jay Leno

TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction. –Jay Leno

China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn’t want to go. –Jay Leno

According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What’s next, boxing? –Jay Leno

President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival. –Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs fired their hitting coach. Isn’t that incredible? The Cubs had a hitting coach. –Conan O’Brien

Things have changed a lot since the last time I was in this town. Today Oprah asked me if I could spot her $20 until the weekend. –Conan O’Brien

Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom — with Lincoln.

President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet. –David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan was driving her Porsche and she crashes. And they think maybe she had an open container of alcoholic beverage in the car. Considering her record, this could mean up to a half an hour in prison. –David Letterman

Lindsay’s assistant apparently was with her at the time of the crash, and he was arrested for DWI: driving with an idiot. –David Letterman

Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show “Dallas” with Larry Hagman. He was the original J.R. I used to watch him on “I Dream of Jeannie.” He was an astronaut with a gorgeous genie in a skimpy outfit. She’d say, “Oh master, your wish is my command,” and he’d say, “Just don’t do magic.” Even as a kid, I’m thinking, “She will do anything you want. You’re an astronaut. Get her to launch a rocket or something.” -Craig Ferguson

The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over. -Craig Ferguson

“Dallas” ran for 14 seasons right here on CBS. That’s a little too long. In my experience, you start phoning it in on CBS after about year two. This is my eighth season. -Craig Ferguson

Last night, Game 1 of the NBA finals had its highest rating in 10 years. Even LeBron James’ hairline was like, “Wow, that’s high.” -Jimmy Fallon

LeBron James revealed that he just finished reading all three books in “The Hunger Games” trilogy. The bad news is he did it last night during the fourth quarter. -Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Snooki, Pauly D, and The Situation will each make $5 million for this season’s “Jersey Shore.” It just goes to show that if you put your mind to something and work hard, you’re wasting your time. -Jimmy Fallon

The L.A. Kings are the Stanley Cup champions. First time in their 45-year history. And it’s ironic — the Devils lost in the City of Angels. –Jay Leno

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter. –Jay Leno

A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics. –Jay Leno

Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they’re better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. –Jay Leno

Chicago has changed a lot since the last time we were here. I’m having a hard time calling the Sears Tower the Willis Tower. It just feels wrong. It’s like calling the Olive Garden an Italian restaurant. –Conan O’Brien

The world’s largest and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus Rex resides at Chicago’s Field Museum. The T-Rex is so old it was found wearing a Cubs World Series ring. –Conan O’Brien

Two great things happened for Los Angeles last night. The Kings won their first-ever Stanley Cup and Los Angeles discovered they have a hockey team. –Conan O’Brien

Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat. –David Letterman

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden. -Craig Ferguson

The Los Angeles Kings are Stanley cup champions! That’s right, Canadians. You may not get the Stanley Cup, but you get the New Jersey equivalent. The Snooki Cup. You can still fill it up with booze and pass it around to all your friends. -Craig Ferguson

The Kings have been around 45 years. This is the first time they’ve won the Stanley Cup. There was a bit of a scandal after the game though. Some of the players tested positive for having their own teeth. -Craig Ferguson

People here are very excited about the Kings. You can’t tell because of all the Botox, but they are very excited. -Craig Ferguson

Father’s Day is Sunday. Father’s Day is the day we congratulate dad by getting mom drunk on wine coolers and getting him a bottle of cologne he doesn’t wear. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2. -Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, “That never would have happened if I were the nominee.” -Jimmy Fallon

Lindsay Lohan is OK after she totaled her rented Porsche. People who witnessed the accident were stunned. They couldn’t believe Lindsay Lohan still has a driver’s license. –Jay Leno

Authorities said today they’ve ordered a psychiatric evaluation. Not for Lindsay — for the idiot who rented her a Porsche. –Jay Leno

Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, “Why didn’t I think of that? I had a seizure.” –Jay Leno

A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House. –Jay Leno

It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor. –Conan O’Brien

The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that Kanye West is getting ready to propose to Kim Kardashian. Today Kanye said, “I can’t wait to marry Kim and get started making the worst family on earth.” –Conan O’Brien

British Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted he accidentally left his 8-year-old daughter in a pub. Cameron was immediately named an honorary citizen of Chicago. –Conan O’Brien

I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it. -Craig Ferguson

With new technology, the patient can see what the doctors see. Ever looked at your colon on a monitor? My colon is better lit than my show. -Craig Ferguson

A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, “Hey, that’s MY thing!” -Jimmy Fallon

At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians. -Jimmy Fallon

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