darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O,Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed that I was a union member in Wisconsin who loved the Miami Heat. –Jay Leno

Governor Scott Walker won his recall last night in Wisconsin. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would have been a better closer than LeBron James? –Jay Leno

A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That’s got to make next year New Year’s resolution easier to keep. “I’m going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate.” –Jay Leno

Tonight the L.A. Kings could win the Stanley Cup. People in Los Angeles haven’t been this excited since they watched their first hockey game — on Monday. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a rumor that President Obama will stop by today’s L.A. Kings hockey game. He doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. He just wants to blend in with all the other black, Hawaiian hockey fans. –Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell is launching a new upscale menu at all their restaurants. That’s good news for anyone who has ever wanted to experience classy diarrhea. –Conan O’Brien

Astronomy is fascinating, and yesterday there was an eclipse. Venus was involved along with the sun and the Earth. The depressing part is it won’t happen again for another hundred years. It’s like a Mets no-hitter. -David Letterman

Hey, guess who’s gay? Green Lantern. His superpower is decorating on a budget. -David Letterman

Not only that — Green Lantern is hosting the Tony Awards Sunday. -David Letterman

It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, “Get with it, you old geezer!” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, “I’ll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn’t Malt Ramrod.” –Jimmy Fallon

The weather in the northeast has been unseasonably cold this week. Yeah, people here are still waiting for the heat to show up — you know, just like basketball fans in Miami. –Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I want to wish a happy 56th birthday to tennis great Bjorn Borg. Yeah, I got him a gift card to his favorite store — Bjest Buy. –Jimmy Fallon

Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years — or about the same time your 401(k) comes back. –Jay Leno

The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn’t creating job openings? –Jay Leno

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it’s too bad we couldn’t get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt. –Jay Leno

According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards’ love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. It’s a memoir about their relationship. She didn’t write it herself. She used a ghost skank. –Jay Leno

The National Spelling Bee champion’s name is Snigdha Nandipati. Every Spelling Bee champion’s name sounds like it came from an explosion at a Scrabble factory. –Jimmy Kimmel

Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, and South Dakota today. Both candidates for president — Obama and Romney — have already clinched their nominations. So today’s primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible. -Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Mitt Romney is ahead of Obama among those who make $36,000-$90,000. Or as Romney put it, “And they said I can’t connect with the poor.” -Jimmy Fallon

New York is considering a law that would keep people out of jail if they were caught with small amounts of marijuana — which explains why stoners are like, “It’s a cop. Hide most of the weed.” -Jimmy Fallon

According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president. –Jay Leno

Unemployment’s still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on jobs creation — “Hope and Change the Subject.” –Jay Leno

The unemployment numbers are higher than President Obama was in high school. –Jay Leno

Congratulations to our new national spelling bee champion. Her name is Snigdha Nandipati. Over the weekend the 14-year-old from San Diego won the award after she correctly spelled her own name. –Jay Leno

In New York City we’ve got a guy named Michael Bloomberg who is the mayor. The only public official who has been in office longer than Mayor Bloomberg is Santa. -David Letterman

You know DC comics? Turns out the Green Lantern is gay. It’s funny that the Green Lantern is the character that is gay and yet Spider-Man has the Broadway musical. Wow, talk about irony! -David Letterman

Miss Rhode Island is the new Miss USA, ladies and gentlemen. And today Donald Trump demanded to see her birth certificate. -David Letterman

On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice — he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises. -Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago. Of course it got awkward when he left and his housekeeper was like, “So, see you after the election?” -Jimmy Fallon

Hugh Hefner is back together with his fiancée, Crystal Harris, one year after she called off their wedding. It’s like they say: “If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you, it probably ran out of money and remembered you were a billionaire.” -Jimmy Fallon

This weekend seven monkeys were stolen from a zoo in Poland. You know, so they could begin shooting season 6 of “Jersey Shore.” -Jimmy Fallon

Big movie opening this weekend. It’s “Snow White and the Huntsman.” Charlize Theron is the evil queen. She’s willing to commit murder just to keep a more youthful appearance. We have a name for that type of person in Los Angeles. It’s called everyone. –Craig Ferguson

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they’re smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks. –Craig Ferguson

Hollywood studios love making movies out of old fairy tales because these are stories connected to our history and because they’re in the public domain, so they don’t have to pay anyone for film rights. Hollywood will do anything to avoid giving people money. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com