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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

Last night Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican race in Ohio by 1 percent. Then Romney said, “Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1 percent.” –Conan O’Brien

According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being totally freaked out by Rick Santorum. –Conan O’Brien

Apple unveiled the new iPad today. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models — which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one. –Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that Dunkin’ Doughnuts in China is adding pork doughnuts to the menu. For God’s sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything? –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s wife said she doesn’t even consider herself wealthy. She then said, “If you don’t believe me, just ask my chauffeur.” -Craig Ferguson

Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox. -Craig Ferguson

I’m excited about the new iPad. But then I’m excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries. -Craig Ferguson

I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants. -Craig Ferguson

Today is the multi-state primary known as “Super Tuesday.” It’s going to be followed tomorrow by “Now we’re really stuck with Romney Wednesday.” –Conan O’Brien

In several of the Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. These are the same people who think Super Tuesday is Superman’s birthday. –Conan O’Brien

As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace. –Conan O’Brien

Snooki’s boyfriend reportedly proposed to her. Apparently he said, “Will you make me the happiest man on earth or do you still want to go through with this?” –Conan O’Brien

Ten states had their big primaries. Everyone says the big money’s on Mitt Romney. I mean literally. He’s so rich that money oozes from his pores. -Craig Ferguson

Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole. -Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney’s been out on the campaign trail even though he’s suffering from a terrible cold. I’m not surprised he’s sick. It’s very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that. -Craig Ferguson

It didn’t help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills. -Craig Ferguson

It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you. –Jay Leno

In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He’s created a lot of jobs in India. –Jay Leno

In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn’t want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November. –Jay Leno

Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh. –Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, “Swedish maid?” -Craig Ferguson

Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is. -Jimmy Fallon

This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. They’re registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond. -Jimmy Fallon

On their wedding night, the sign on their door just said, “This is disturbing.” -Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian is being sued for $5 million for endorsing a diet pill that doesn’t work. That’s weird — if there’s anyone who’s perfect to represent “not working,” it’s Kim Kardashian. -Jimmy Fallon

While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, “Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.” –Jay Leno

It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax. –Jay Leno

I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: “I guess you’re stuck with me.” –Jay Leno

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed. –Jay Leno

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn’t embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head. –Conan O’Brien

A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama. –Conan O’Brien

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV. –Conan O’Brien

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down. -Craig Ferguson

According to the survey, one of the unhappiest professions is people in the media. I know, because we’re insecure pieces of crap who whine into our lattes when something doesn’t go our way. -Craig Ferguson

Backstage we have a suggestion box. Employees are encouraged to anonymously write down any way they feel we could improve the show. And I have a secret web-cam watching the suggestion box so I know who to fire. And that makes me happy. -Craig Ferguson

The city that has the happiest workers is Miami. Because Miami has both things people need to be happy. Thongs and rollerblading. -Craig Ferguson

Multiple news sources are reporting that Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is pregnant. I read on Wikipedia that the average adult Snooki will give birth to a litter of between three and eight snooklets. –Jimmy Kimmel

Snooki has yet to confirm the rumor. I guess we’ll know she’s pregnant when the vodka breaks. . –Jimmy Kimmel

Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. Victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the gas INTO their car. -Jimmy Fallon

Next month is the premiere of the new show, “The Real Housewives of Vancouver.” You can tell it’s Canada — the housewives say nice things to each other’s faces, but then they go behind each other’s backs and say even nicer things. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that cavemen suffered from many of the same diseases that modern humans have. You could tell when one caveman was like, “Bunga-unga. Sorry, me dyslexic.” -Jimmy Fallon

“This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. … Unfortunately it doesn’t help that his opening line is ‘Hello, my fellow peasants.’” –Conan O’Brien

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