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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 05/20/11

Here are some of the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel: “President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really...

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 02/01/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 01-02-2013

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Zimbabwe’s finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, “Stop bragging!” –Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English. –Jay Leno

The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture. –Jay Leno

John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling. –Jay Leno

The head coaches for the Super Bowl are two brothers, Jim and John Harbaugh. Their mother promises that whatever the outcome she is going to call the loser after the game and telling him he was adopted. –Conan O’Brien

China is launching their own version of the TV show “Friends.” Six attractive young people live together in an iPad factory. They get yelled at if they don’t work fast enough. . –Conan O’Brien

A new study has found that leafy greens are the leading cause of food poisoning. In other words, Americans have nothing to worry about. . –Conan O’Brien

More trouble in the world of big-time athletics and steroid use. Turns out now that Alex Rodriguez may have been using performance-enhancing drugs for quite a long time. Calling Oprah! –David Letterman

A new show premiered tonight on the FX network called “The Americans.” It’s about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. They’re Russian agents who look like us, talk like us, but all of their relationships are based on a big lie. These days that only happens to college football players. –Craig Ferguson

Keri Russell stars in “The Americans.” She plays what intelligence services call a “sleeper agent.” That’s the kind of spy I’d want to be, a sleeper agent. My skill — taking naps in five languages. –Craig Ferguson

I don’t think I’d make a good spy. All that lying, duplicity, pretending to be someone you’re not. No, I prefer good old-fashioned honest Hollywood. –Craig Ferguson

The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii. –Craig Ferguson

We are four days away from the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are a lot of fun. It’s also a really great way to give your friends all the flu at once. –Jimmy Kimmel

On Sunday the San Francisco 49ers battle the Baltimore Ravens. A study conducted by a religious research institute says 27 percent of Americans believe God has a hand in determining which team wins. So if you’re praying for a new kidney this Sunday, sorry, God has the Ravens and the 49ers. –Jimmy Kimmel

Of course God cares about football. He created a girlfriend for Manti Te’o out of nothing. –Jimmy Kimmel

If God really is influencing NFL games, that would mean he isn’t in church on Sunday, so why should I go? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. The big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance-enhancing substance called deer antler extract. That explains how Lewis has been preparing for the game — staring into a set of headlights. –Jimmy Fallon

A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, the zoo’s deer picked Ray Lewis and the Ravens. –Jimmy Fallon

An employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Friends describe her as “dedicated,” while co-workers describe her as “that lady who gave me the flu.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Boy Scouts of America is now considering an end to its longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. How about that? And the girl scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called “Don’t ask, just sell.” –Jay Leno

The whole world is changing. In fact, today, the Olympic Committee said soon they may allow straight male figure skaters. –Jay Leno

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t. –Jay Leno

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michelle Obama’s war on obesity is President Obama’s economic policy. –Jay Leno

This will be the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she’s got 20 grand on the Ravens. –Conan O’Brien

This weekend the Pope released a dove from his window only to see it get viciously attacked by a sea gull. So either there is no God or there is a God and he’s hilarious. –Conan O’Brien

Ben and Jerry’s has announced a new flavor based on a popular TV show. But I’m not sure people want a scoop of Law and Order: Special Victims’ Yogurt. –Conan O’Brien

The Super Bowl is on Sunday and both teams are coached by Harbaughs. I’m sick and tired of hearing about Harbaughs. They’re now getting their own shows, “The Harbaughs” and “Keeping Up With the Harbaughs.” –David Letterman

New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they’re taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam — not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes — not a problem. Meth labs on every corner — not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel — not a problem. –David Letterman

Manti Te’o was a standout college football player in love with a young girl that he’s never seen or met. So the kid goes on Katie Couric’s show and says his life has changed because of this. Now he’s everywhere. Tomorrow he’ll be on Rachael Ray’s show. He’ll be cooking imaginary coconut prawns. –David Letterman

It is a great day for two American icons who share a birthday today. The ruler of Hawaii, Tom Selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world, Oprah Winfrey. –Craig Ferguson

What do you buy Oprah Winfrey for her birthday? She has everything — except a successful TV network. –Craig Ferguson

Oprah was in the news recently for her Lance Armstrong interview. It was TV at its most powerful. Armstrong tearfully admitted to using steroids, and Oprah reciprocated by tearfully admitting she once had to pump her own gas. –Craig Ferguson

I greatly respect Oprah because she is from a tough background. Her story’s fantastic. She was born dirt poor in the Deep South, then went on to help millions. She was her generation’s Honey Boo Boo. –Craig Ferguson

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are here, and so is Kim’s unborn baby. So technically tonight, we have two and a half Kardashians — which is a show that CBS should make immediately. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple reports, singers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a tussle over a parking spot on Sunday night. Chris posted a painting on Instagram last night comparing himself to Jesus on the cross. Fighting guys in parking lots: That’s so Jesus. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apple unveiled a new version of the iPad today. This iPad has all the same features as the last iPad plus more memory. It comes with a trash can for you to store all the iPads that you already have. –Jimmy Kimmel

At this point, I would like to have Apple just set up a system where we send them a check for $700 every four to six months and they just promise not to make new things. –Jimmy Kimmel

“60 Minutes” anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn’t the amount of time he had. –Jimmy Fallon

The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, “You know we’re already citizens, right?” –Jimmy Fallon

Today was media day for Super Bowl XLVII, and both teams shared their predictions for Sunday’s game. It was pretty crazy. One team thinks THEY’RE going to win — but the other team thinks THEY’RE going to win. –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of the Super Bowl, 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they’re not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money. –Jimmy Fallon


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