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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 06/18/10

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 18-06-2010

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

“Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I’m glad that problem’s behind us.” –David Letterman

“President Obama made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. I mean, it’s like he’s campaigning again, really.” –David Letterman

“He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He’s started drinking. That’s the only possible explanation.” –David Letterman

“And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.” –David Letterman”By this point, it’s not even an ‘oil spill’ anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a ’spill’ is like calling World War II a ‘tiff.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, ‘Look, I don’t pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They’re separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.” –Jay Leno

“Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, ‘Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, ‘If you build it and there’s a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” –Jay Leno

“Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they’ve never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.” –Jay Leno

“You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, have you been following what’s been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn’t go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he’s facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’” –David Letterman

“The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I’ll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing.” –David Letterman

darnfunnyonline.com

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