Best Late Night Jokes for the Week 10-16-09
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 16-10-2009
Tags: Conan O'Brien jokes, David Letterman jokes, Jay Leno jokes, Jimmy Fallon jokes, Obama jokes
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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:
“Well, the big story out of Washington is this healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9, I believe it was. The Bill cost over $800 billion. And that’s just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress.” –Jay Leno
“The good news is we’ll probably have some kind of improvement in our healthcare system. The bad news is it won’t be in our lifetime. It will never happen.” –Jay Leno
“And the Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years, as long as it takes!” –Jay Leno
“And for the first time in a year, the Dow closed above 10,000. You know what that means? More AIG bonuses!” –Jay Leno
“Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy.” –Conan O’Brien
“The Nobel committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the peace prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year’s Nobel Prize were red wine and the Brookstone three-speed massaging recliner.” –Conan O’Brien
“Hey, did you see what happened today? President Obama won another Nobel prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up smoking.” –Jay Leno
“The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff.” –Jimmy Fallon
“How awful is this? Police arrested a 30-year-old, Bountiful, Utah, man for fondling the nurse who was helping to deliver his baby. Move over John Edwards. We have a new nominee for husband of the year.” –Jay Leno
“When I call your name, please come up and claim your Nobel Peace Prize, all right?” –David Letterman
“Hey, President Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? Meanwhile, right now at an Arizona senior citizens center, John McCain is screaming, ‘Bingo!’” –David Letterman
“President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.” –David Letterman
“Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ It’s part of Trump’s plan to make his own hair look normal.” –Jimmy Fallon
“That’s pretty amazing, winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno
