An Interview with Mr. Handyman
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 16-02-2012
Tags: funny essays, humorous articles, humorous essays, humorous writing, really funny articles, really funny essays
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Today we have a guest on darnfunnyonline. He is known as Mr. Handyman. He is everyman’s handyman, who all men vision themselves to be, even though, in reality, we are not. Many men like to think they can fix anything around the house, when actually we usually spend more in fixing our “repairs” than the original job would have cost when done by a professional.
The format we have chosen for today is that I will ask Mr. Handyman the questions that I’m pretty sure all of us men would like an answer to and we’ll let him educate us.
Steve: Welcome Mr. Handyman. Is there any sage advice you’d like to start us out with and then we can go from there?
Mr. Handyman: One word, duct tape.
Steve: Uh… that’s actually two words.
Mr. Handyman: Oops! I meant to say ducttape.
Steve: You know, I have to admit that I have tried to “fix” things with duct tape, but does that really work most of the time?
Mr. Handyman: Oh, absolutely. I’ll prove it to you. In fact, you being a writer, you can even fix sentences with it. Let me give you an example with a little poem:
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose wife wanted him to fix something, but he said…“duct tape.”
Steve: Wow! I see what you mean. Moving on then…Other than using duct tape, what advice can you give us for, let’s say, fixing a clogged sink?
Mr. Handyman: Of course, you would turn on that switch for the garbage disposal.
Steve: You already tried that. Didn’t work.
Mr. Handyman: You get out your plunger, with the duct taped handle, to show your experience. Then…
Steve: Nope, that didn’t work either.
Mr. Handyman: The first thing you’d want to do is pull your pants as far down on your waist as you can so that you show some butt cleavage. That way you can really get into thinking like a plumber. Next, if your wife is watching you work you have to really assess the situation and take a long hard look at things like you know what you are doing. Then ask her, politely, to leave, because her watching over your shoulder is making you nervous. After you are sure she is out of hearing range you run to the phone and call a friend who you think might know how to fix the problem and offer him some beer to come over and help you. After you are both drunk and that has failed you call an actual plumber.
Steve: Again, moving on…How about drywall, can you give us any tips on repairing a hole in the wall?
Mr. Handyman: I sure can, Steve. The first thing you do is go to Home Depot, I had to fit their name in this interview because they pay me for that, and then you buy some sheet rock. You take it home and you get a tape measure out and make lots of measurement, especially while your wife is watching so that she is impressed by what it looks like you are doing. Then when she is off doing something else you do a lot of hammering and make grunting sounds and schedule all this while there is a real carpenter at your house so the work can actually get done.
Steve: You don’t really know how to fix anything, do you?
Mr. Handyman: I’m sensing hostility. You’re not ever going to invite me back, are you?
Steve: Only if I can duct tape your mouth shut.
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