Advice for Confirmed Bachelors
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 22-03-2012
Tags: funny bachelor tips, Humor Articles, humorous articles, humorous bachelor tips, humorous essays, humorous writing, really funny articles, really funny essays, relationship humor
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Today we have some helpful hints for bachelors from a couple of men that represent a group called, Darn near, Undeniably, Mostly a Bachelor (Hereafter, referred to by its acronym, DUMB.) They are going to answer some questions that our readers have sent in because they know that when they want answers about anything, then darnfunnyonline is the place to go…Really it is.
We’ll be referring to these bachelors as #1 and #2 because, basically, when you are in a group like DUMB it’s not something you want to publicize. Here is the first question:
Steve: #1, speaking as a DUMB man, what makes being a bachelor appealing to you?
#1: I think it’s just the simple things in life like being able to stare at a wall and not have your mate ask you what you are thinking about.
#2: Another nice thing is not having anyone see you getting dressed and telling you to wear something different.
Steve: You know #2, seeing as you are dressed in oddly colored plaid pants and a brightly colored striped shirt, you could do worse than getting a little advice.
#2: You are part female aren’t you?
Steve: No, I’m simply trying to look at things from both side and in doing so, being the devil’s advocate.
#2: Aha! He is a woman!
Steve: Okay, moving on. Our next question is, as a DUMB representative, in terms of decorating your homes, how do you do that without the advice of a woman?
#1: First of all, once we put a piece of furniture in a spot, that’s where it stays. There is no, “Let’s try it over here,” or “Let’s try moving it six inches to the right.” Once it’s on the floor, that’s where it stays.
Steve: What if you happened to have dropped it?
#2: It doesn’t matter. That’s where fate intended that furniture piece to be.
Steve: That’s a little rigid in your thinking, isn’t it?
#1: Not really. Plus it gives us a lot more time to stare at the walls and not be asked what we are thinking.
Steve: Any other DUMB decorating tips?
#2: Yes, when we move into a new place we just go ahead and go out and buy some mold and get a head start on things. That way if we put the mold there ourselves we don’t feel quite so bad about not having a woman around to clean it up.
Steve: That is not only stupid, it is sexist too.
#2: I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s why you’ll never be a DUMB man.
Steve: That is something to be thankful for…Our next question is, as a confirmed bachelor, do you feel you tend to take better or worse care of your car than if you had a spouse?
#1: I don’t know that there is much of a difference in caring for the car, because that is traditionally the province of the man anyway. I think where the difference lies is in the driving of the car. First of all, we are generally on time to things because we don’t have to wait for a woman. Secondly, we are also not so tense while we drive because we don’t have anybody telling us to, “Speed up,” “Slow down,” “Don’t follow so close.” Those kinds of things.
Steve: But isn’t it true that insurance companies give lower rate to married men than they do to single men? That would indicate that married men are actually better drivers.
#2: Steve, the problem I’m seeing with this interview is you are just not thinking like a DUMB man.
Steve: That’s true, I should probably end off and just let you guys go stare at a wall.
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