A Visit From Advice Columnist Dear Crabby
Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 05-05-2011
Tags: funny advice columnist, funny essays, Humor Articles, humorous articles, humorous essays, humorous writing, really funny articles, really funny essays, witty sense of humor
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Today we have darnfunnyonline’s occasional guest columnist Dear Crabby (whose name is well deserved.) It’s all yours Crabby:
Do you think I don’t know you say something when you put it in parentheses? (Moron!)
Anyway, it is so nice to be back with my wonderful readers here on darnfunnyonline and I hope to give you something worthwhile to read rather than the normal drivel you are used to.
Let’s go to our first question:
Dear Crabby:
My wife tends to be kind of mean sometimes. I don’t think she wants to be mean to me, she just tends to be a little moody. My friends think that I am henpecked because I put up with it. I don’t feel I’m henpecked, I just try to deal with her mood swings and try not to create a problem between us. But yesterday it got a little scary because my wife was yelling at me as she was cooking and she had a knife in her hand and as she was yelling she was waving the knife. Do you think I have a problem here?
Worried Warren,
Dear Worried Warren,
It sounds like you were facing a wife or death situation there. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, hold on Warren I have to catch my breath after that one. It’s about time there is some real humor on this site. (Unless of course you didn’t think that was funny – then Steve gave me the idea for that one.) Anyway, Warren, back to your situation, I don’t think henpecked is the right word to describe you. I think you are more whipped than a slow horse on a muddy track. I think you need to grow a set of you know what because the ones you have now must be like a shriveled up set of raisins.
On the plus side for you, I doubt she will ever actually kill you. She’d never find anybody as wimpy as you that would put up with her.
Crabby
Next question, and no more wusses!
Dear Crabby,
My fiancé and I went on vacation and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. I now find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if we had been put in the room that I booked. Do you think we should sue?
Poor Pauline
Dear Poor Pauline,
If you are going to sue anyone I should think it would be your parents for producing an offspring as unbelievably stupid as you seem to be. I’d put your upset aside and thank god that you found someone that was willing to not only have sex with you, but also marry an idiot like you.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
My husband and I just vacationed in Jamaica and when we flew home to England it took us nine hours to fly home whereas the Americans who were on the same trip got home in three hours. I don’t think that is fair. Who do you think I should complain to?
Tired of Flying
Dear Tired of Flying,
My first thought after reading your letter was that I was in a time warp and you were the future daughter of Poor Pauline, who until now I thought was the most stupid person anyone could imagine. But, I see now that there are no limits to the imagination. You win the stupid contest! The only thing I can say about your long flight is that it is very fortunate that there were that many more hours in your existence where you were unable to have sex with your husband, who’ll I’ll assume is an idiot by association, so that you could not spawn another person with a sub-zero IQ. PLEASE, never have children!
Crabby
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