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Here are some jokes by a very good stand-up comedian, Jimmy Allen:

To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and…

Did you hear there’s a stealth condom? That’s what it’s called. It’s called the stealth condom. Now how many guys are going to go out and buy a stealth condom? How many guys want to get in and out without anyone knowing they were there?

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I’d hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they’ve read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty…’

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a remote control?’

Now that I’m married, I’m being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, ‘Do you think I’m fat?’ I said, ‘Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see “stupid jackass” written on my face?”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Revelations In The Interview With Newt Gingrich’s Ex-Wife

10.He keeps getting married just for the cake

9.Their towels were monogrammed “His” and “Current Wife’s”

8.Newt has a revolving account at Dairy Queen

7.He never leaves home without a set of blank divorce papers

6.He was born in Kenya

5.In college, he broke into primate testing facility and was scratched by an infectious Rhesus Monkey

4.Like a boa constrictor, he squeezes his food to death and swallows it whole

3.Newt was once briefly married to Kris Humphries

2.His body is featured in Jenny Craig “before” photos

1.He once had sex with a vending machine

Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky

10.Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”

9.Offered Santorum a ten thousand vote head start in South Carolina primary

8.He’s forwarding his mail to the White House – Wow, that’s cocky

7.Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy

6.Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC

5.Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign

4.Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s

3.Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”

2.Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico

1.Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

10.”Who’s Jon Huntsman?”

9.”Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?”

8.”Seriously, who’s Jon Huntsman?”

7.”You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that’s Stan Huntsman”

6.”Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious”

5.”So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry”

4.”It’s like Jon Huntsman said…Well, actually, I have no idea what he said”

3.”Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race”

2.”He should have Tebowed more”

1.”Now who’s gonna lose to Obama in the general election?”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” –David Letterman

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?’” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

There’s a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren’t even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O’Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O’Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum’s pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here’s what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn’t that everybody on the subway?  –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.  –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O’Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you’re a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O’Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on “Jersey Shore.” –Conan O’Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I’m also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

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This week I had some computer troubles.  Being a man, I was, of course, confident that I could fix it myself.  So, as I’m sure you can guess, I went to my tool box and got my most trustworthy tool, duct tape, and decided to get started.

As you might be guessing by now, duct tape is actually the only tool in my tool box.  Truthfully , it’s not so much a tool box as it is a drawer…in the kitchen, that has a lot of other important fix up stuff such as scotch tape, (I’m seeing a trend here that sticky stuff is important in repairing things) thumb tacks and matches.  The matches are kind of a last resort, if you can’t fix it you can at least have fun melting it down.

My computer had a virus.  It was kind of disgusting as it was sneezing, coughing up phlegm and there was about a box of used Kleenexes all around the floor of my desk.  Still, I was not to be deterred.  First, I exhausted all of the geek type methods of fixing a computer, i.e. looking at the screen while moving the mouse around deftly with a hard, determined look on my face like I really know what I’m doing , just in case anybody was watching me.  It’s true, I have people come from miles around just to watch me work on my computer.  There is a grandstand set up in my office just for that purpose.

After my forehead started hurting from faking that determined look so well and I had used up the extensive methods I knew of by using the mouse (exactly one) I decided to resort to my mechanical skills.  That’s right, it was time to open up the computer and stare at the insides, again, like I knew what I was doing.  This was a talent I had developed long ago when I would “fix” my car.

Naturally, fixing a car is a lot different than a computer because it’s bigger and there are a lot more things to stare at in a knowing fashion.  As I started opening the computer up some dramatic background music started to play and was getting louder…bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa.  Even I felt the drama and I KNEW I had less than a one percent chance of fixing anything.  I looked around and thought instinctively, “Where the heck is that coming from?”

At first I figured it was one of my fans in the grandstand seats, but strangely, they were empty.  I went back to work.  The music got louder and louder.  My adrenaline was pumping.  Finally, it became too much.  I got off the floor.  My computer got a reprieve from my skillful hands.  I went into the other room and discovered that someone was watching an episode of Glee and they were doing a dramatic song.  I was comforted in knowing that, even if I was unable to fix the computer, I was able to, at least, solve that mystery.

Now back at the computer, I was on this case once again.  I had her opened, wide open.  I did my stare.  Strangely, I felt like nothing had been repaired.  This called for drastic measures.  I decided to loosen some screws.  By the time I had the third one off I came to the conclusion that, “I had no freaking idea what I was going to do so put the screws back in before it’s too late.”

I had already gone through all the swear words that I knew, multiple times, so there was only one thing left to do…call someone who really knew what they were doing.  Fortunately, that method worked and before long my computer was disease free and working normally again.

As I leaned against the wall, I proudly realized that I had a lot to do with it getting fixed.  I did make the call to the competent person, after all.  I confidently looked at my curled up fingers, blew on my nails and wiped them off on my shirt.  I felt I should put my signature on this job like a painter does with his art work, even if I only did it symbolically.  So, I tore off a little piece of duct tape and pasted it onto the corner of the computer.  Job completed!

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway.  Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.”

Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many Americans, being overweight like he is.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city.  It could be because they are just a little behind the times there.  When people were asked if they were gay they just thought they meant happy.

The homosexuals of San Francisco response was, “We think Salt Lake City is nice but San Francisco is FABULOUS.”

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate.  He’s feeling more confident too.  His new campaign slogan is, “I’m as good as it gets, deal with it.”

Michelle Obama was being interviewed by CBS’s Gayle King and was asked about being characterized as an “angry black woman.”  Michelle’s response was, “If I hear that characterization one more time I’m gonna kick some ass.”

I saw a headline this week that said “Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner.”  Frank and Weiner?  Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

A new study says that America’s obesity rate is down.  Trouble is they left out part of the phrase.  It should have read it was “down the toilet,” which gives it a whole new meaning.

Authorities arrested a man in North Carolina after his neighbor caught him having sex with her 60 lb. dog.  The man claimed his neighbor must be some kind of a pervert for having watched it.

In China, an Apple store couldn’t open because of safety concerns with a mob of people waiting outside to buy the iPhone 4S.  When they didn’t open the crowd pelted the store with eggs.  People in China are already stocking up on eggs in anticipation of the release of iPhone 5.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself

10.Huh?

9.Do I smell grilled onions?

8.Where my dawgs at?

7.Is my poodle spending too much time surfing the Internet?

6.Seriously, where in the world is Matt Lauer?

5.What kind of name is Viggo?

4.Cake or pie?

3.Why does everybody hate me?

2.What would Tim Tebow do?

1.Why isn’t Number One on the Top Ten List ever funny?

Top Ten Things Kim Jong-Un Wants To Accomplish As Supreme Commander of North Korea

10.Free citizens from decades of Communist oppression – I’m just kidding, settle down

9.Hit on Katy Perry

8.The most important thing is for everyone to have fun

7.Use my clout to get “Book of Mormon” tickets

6.Fill my dad’s tiny shoes

5.Sit on my ass drinking Mountain Dew

4.Appear in ABC’s new cross-dressing sitcom “Work It” – that show is hilarious

3.Never let anyone find out I’m really a sixy-seven-year-old white guy from Nutley, New Jersey

2.Find more time to Pyong my Yang – wow, he did not just say that!

1.You know, the usual – torture, mass starvation, nuclear proliferation

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Tim Tebow

10.Fell to Earth after his home planet Krypton exploded

9.Throws left, prays right

8.For breakfast has Icy Hot on toast

7.If you tell him your street address, he’ll tell you the value of your home

6.Currently ninth on the Kim Kardashian athlete waiting List

5.Back in college, threw a football twenty yards!

4.One time, lost his temper and said “Darn it!”

3.Distracts defenders by flashing his beautiful, piercing blue eyes

2.Justin Bieber fans have “Bieber Fever”; Tim Tebow fans have “The Tebola Virus”

1.Can turn water into Gatorade

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.” –Craig Ferguson

“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich thinks he’s the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd. He has the all-important ’snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors’ demographic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll.’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.” –David Letterman

“During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney.’ Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, ‘It was a pretty sick pass.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.” –Jay Leno

“During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States. –Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, “Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ” He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. . –Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again. . –Jay Leno

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation’s capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian. . –Jay Leno

The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians. –Craig Ferguson

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled “The Best President.” Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year. –Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Now that the original 627 Republican candidates for President are starting to get whittled down as all of their transgression and insanities come to light, the sad part is that we are soon going to be hearing much, much more from President Obama.  While that may be a boon to the teleprompter and manure businesses, for the rest of us it will be more than a minor nuisance.  I think I want to vote for Ross Perot.

Obama had just returned from what he has done most often over the last three years, no I’m not talking about campaigning and fund raising, although, truly as President that’s what he does do best, he just returned from vacation.  His timing was perfect as Congress was out of session so he could push through an appointment that he knew would not happen with Congress in session.  Who needs those pesky little things such as…what is that called again?…Oh, yeah, congressional approval.

So that you don’t just think I’m being a smart ass when I said he’s best at campaigning and fund raising let’s talk  about a presidential type action that he is good at.  Now, I am, of course talking about blaming the Bush administration for everything that is wrong with the world.  Even three years later it is Bush’s fault that the economy is so bad and that there are a lack of jobs.  Apparently, Dick Cheney waterboarded too many CEOs and made them agree to not hire people if they weren’t needed.  I guess he never got to the government guys that hire though because they give out jobs whether there’s something to do or not.  I feel so comforted knowing that our government is too big to fail.

The world economy is doing even slightly worse than our own.  For example, Greece may have to sell the copyright to being the creators of anal sex just so they can keep their economy afloat for another week.  The Germans have  a book out called “If it Moves Yell at It, if That Doesn’t Work Start a War With It,” and the French have one called “Ignore It and It Will Go Away, Just Don’t Smell My Armpits,” as a means of making money for their governments.

Since Obama’s approval ratings are so low I’m expecting as we get closer to the election that Osama bin Laden will likely come back to life due to some pact he had with the devil and the Bush Administration.  This time Obama will really kill him…just in time to, coincidentally, influence the voters.  Then since the bin Laden threat is now truly over we can cut back the military and give their jobs to welfare recipients who will still do no work…oh, and by the way to them, don’t forget when you go to the polls, it was Obama who got you that job.

Obama is also thinking of creating a Presidential super committee (since it worked so well for Congress) made up of past dead Presidents.  Ultimately, he won’t allow it though because he would be afraid they would make better decisions than he would.

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Here are some jokes by Rodney Dangerfield:

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

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