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I would like to rectify a grievous error that many of us citizens make when we refer to a politician as an ass.  The fact is that is not what they are, but correctly stated, it is where their heads are stuck at most of the time, either up their own or up someone else’s.  I feel much better having clarified that for everyone.

The public confidence in Congress is at an all time low, even lower than that of the president’s, although he is gaining fast, and to be fair he has only been in office a little over a year. You can’t blame anyone who lacks confidence though, what with nearly every headline you read or hear regarding politicians is about corruption, infidelity, graft and general lack of ethics (a.k.a.  “another day in Congress”.)  It is little wonder that the Tea Party is gaining popularity so fast.  Of course, our members of Congress could get right on board with that if we’d just be willing to change it from tea to a rum and coke party and maybe add a few hookers into the mix (and add a room on the side with free botox injections for Nancy Pelosi.)  It would be one of the few bipartisan ideas that every one of them could support.

The “Nigerian businessman” who just sent you an e-mail asking for your bank information is only a guy in training to become a politician.  Tiger Woods would have made an exceptional politician except that he got caught way too early in his career.  You have to be able to hide these things better than that.  You need to at least get elected first.  Then it is more acceptable because it is totally expected.

There was going to be a new reality show called “Dancing with the Politicians” but it never got on the air.  Because of all the slime it made the floors too slippery and no one could dance.  Plus, could you imagine someone wanting to dance with Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi?

Another new political reality show being tossed around is entitled “Deal or No Deal on Healthcare”.  They are planning to borrow their advertising slogan from the movie “The Sixth Sense” so when their commercial comes on a kid will come out and say, “I see dead people.”   That should define the show quite well.

There is one more political reality show in the works but this one is strictly for democrats.  Really, the last one was too but they’ll at least pretend to let the republicans play.  This show is called “What Would Ted Kennedy Do?”  The guy who loses has to drive his car off a bridge into a river with a pregnant woman with him.  If he survives he’ll be forced to serve in the Senate for the rest of his life and he’ll be known as “The Liar of the Senate”.  No wait… maybe that was “Lion”… not really sure on that, I’ll have to get back to you.

And last of all, there is going to be a news show just about Congress.  It will be called “The Stimulus Report”.  It will be an expose’ on which congressmen are taking Viagra bribes from the drug companies to let them continue to legally push drugs on the American people.

On that note I am all for throwing a party for Congress at election time….as long as it is the Tea Party.

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Here are some funny one-liner jokes that someone sent to me.  The jokes are anonymous, that is , no author as they have probably been used by many comedians and others, but they are funny.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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Here are some jokes based on some recent news items.

Starbucks is sticking to it’s policy of letting people carry guns in their stores where it’s legal.  I’m not sure which is more scary about that, having an impatient customer at the end of a slow moving line with a gun or somebody with a gun after having a triple espresso.

But why should Starbucks worry about people carrying guns in their stores.  With the prices they charge who is robbing who anyway.

In New York an Air Traffic controller was suspended after letting his children do his job for a short time.  This made the pilots very jealous.  One of them said I want to bring my kid to work to so he can fly the plane while I sleep off my hangover.

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she had said she intended to clean up the ethics in Congress.  But so far there is no change as we constantly hear of members of the House being in ethics trouble.  We do know it wasn’t for lack of supplies that she has been unsuccessful at cleaning up, for example, we know she has a broom because she flew in on it.

I’m a little worried about the upcoming census being done by the Obama administration.  If they count people like they count jobs created, by the end of the census we’ll have more people than China.

Rumor has it that Obama is using the same technology to steer the administration that Toyota used on the steering of their cars.

…and finally, Toyota has learned if they do one more recall on their cars they will have earned a foreign aid stimulus package.

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Here are some jokes by comedian Mitch Hedberg.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians… I, for one, am very glad Jay Leno is back:

“Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you’re a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book here, it’s called ‘Duh.’” –Jay Leno

“Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys ‘R’ Us parking lot.” –Jay Leno

“Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: ‘Why didn’t we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?’” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, ‘Am I still drunk, or is that a kid’s voice?’” –Jay Leno

“Karl Rove’s new memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ is coming out next week. Not sure if ‘Courage and Consequence’ is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than ‘Oopsies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.’” –David Letterman

“I love the biathlon. That’s the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, ‘date night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” –Jay Leno

“Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.” –Jay Leno

“Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Buzz Aldrin will be on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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I recently saw a study that says seniors are still having sex well into their 80’s.  They may not remember if they enjoyed it, or who they did it with, but they sure do remember having it.  It said 38% of men and 17% of women in their 80’s were sexually active.  So apparently men, even at that age are going to the bars and exaggerating their sexual conquests, or there are some old ladies who are carrying more than their fair share of the load.  As the saying goes, “a woman’s work is never done”.

Sex takes way too much of most people’s attention.  In fact, for some men the only time they are not thinking about sex is when they are actually having it.  For women it is more talking about men’s desire for sex and laughing at the men, thinking that they have them all figured out…then they eventually sometimes regain their sanity.

You see, women think there is something to figure out about men but there really isn’t.  If you could see inside the typical man’s mind you’d see…SeX…sports…SEx…eat…SEX…sports again…take a dump… and also a lot more SEX.  And that’s about it.  Oh and I did forget beer for some of them too.  It really doesn’t get a whole lot more complicated than that.

But if you looked into a woman’s mind it would be a whole different story…”What is he thinking?”…”What is she thinking?”… “Does my ass look big in these jeans?”…”Why did he look at me like that?”…”Was he just flirting with me?”…”Should I have sex with him?”… “Am I gaining weight?”…”Yes, my ass is definitely too fat for these jeans.”…ad infinitum.

Men enjoy simple things.  For example, we like to hear facts like a male rat will have sex 20 times a day. (John Edwards is a perfect example which proves that one.)  Or that the male lion will often have sex up to 50 times a day.  (Ah, yes.  It is good to be the king.)

A woman is way more likely to complicate those simple facts and ask, ”What is that male lion thinking about when he is making all these conquests.  Is he trying to prove his masculinity? I wonder if that lion would think my ass is too big for these jeans?”  You get the idea.

Again, men are simple beings.  Yes, it is true that some of us are idiots too but that just adds to our charm.  We really aren’t thinking anything at all complex when women are trying to figure out what we are thinking.  Very often we are just staring off into space.  Many times men don’t think of what we are saying before we say it and that often gets us in trouble with women.  The woman then thinks we have some sinister plot going on, that’s why we said that mean thing.  The fact is we were just too stupid to think that thought through to an end and it gets us in trouble.

So, women, you will have to forgive us and please stop thinking we have more on our minds than we do.  We are not actually that complicated.  But while we may not always be as smart as you, we are also not complete morons.  We are never going to give you an honest answer on the question, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  Because we still do want to have sex with you.

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Here are a mixture of jokes from a variety of comedians.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Tina Fey

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey

I’d like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.
Dawn French

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.
Stephen Fry

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes.
Werner Finck

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.
Kevin Nealon

I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn’t nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.
Randy Newman

If we’d had another carefree 70’s, I’d have been dead. It was a little too carefree, you know? I don’t know how carefree they were for me, I think I was worried then, I can’t remember what about.
Randy Newman

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I love dogs and have several through my life. But as with anything you really love they can also be a great source of humor:

I don’t know why they call a dog man’s best friend.  I have never had a friend over to my house and then he peed on my carpet.

When he was a puppy he would wet the carpet so much instead of bringing my slippers he’d bring me my goulashes.

He’s a good watch dog, unfortunately all he watches out for is female dogs in heat.

The mailman complained to me that my dog was always trying to bite him in the ass.  I said it could be worse.   Just be happy the dog’s not gay…

Sometimes my dog irritates me.  He likes to sleep right in the middle of the bed between me and my wife.  Not only is he ruining our sex life, but when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night he likes to rub it in by humping my leg.

I never had much luck training dogs.  We were out for a walk and I said to him ”heel”.  He looked at me offended, and said “asshole.”

People complain about working like a dog. I don’t see the problem there.  My dog sleeps most of the day, gets to eat and not clean up after himself, and he gets his crotch licked any time he wants it.

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Here are some jokes from the “redneck comedian”, Jeff Foxworthy.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn’t tell their therapist.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians.

“It’s a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He’s doing well. Doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.” –Craig Ferguson

“About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.” –Craig Ferguson

“There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.” –Craig Ferguson

“I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.” –Craig Ferguson

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one’s free.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village…Because if there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don’t do anything.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can’t raise or increase rates whenever they want. That’s great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson’s bar tab.” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t keep many credit cards because I’m worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they’d beg me to take it back.” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.” –David Letterman

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