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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week, Vice-President, Joe Biden, had a telephone call with the Vice-President of China.  Suddenly an Abbott and Costello routine comes to mind.

According to Time Magazine, 1.3 million condoms are being recalled because they were defective.  But the good news is any couple that got pregnant while using the defective condoms can get a full refund.

Last week was the 2^nd anniversary of Michelle Obama’s campaign to reduce obesity, the “Let’s Move” program.  Or as the fat kids are saying, “How many more days until the election?”

According to a new Gallup poll, 10% of Americans approve of the job that Congress is doing.  Coincidentally, 10% of the population is either related to a congressman or has had illegal dealings with one.

After a couple “unfriended” a woman on Facebook, the woman’s father and a friend murdered the couple.  This gave the Facebook people an idea to create a new game to compliment Farmville.  They are calling it Murderville.

A father taught his daughter a lesson after she broke ground rules and posted on Facebook and made disrespectful comments about him.  So the father made a video and posted it on YouTube where he shot eight bullets into the daughter’s laptop.  Now the Facebook folks are re-thinking the above noted Murderville idea and want a broader theme so they are changing it to PsychoDadville.

A 48 year-old millionaire adopted his girlfriend.  After they make love and he says, ”Who’s your daddy?” he wanted to make sure she gives the right answer.

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day in honor of Saint Valentine, the patron saint of evil intentions towards men.

A Mississippi Junior College student was arrested when what he wrote about passing gas in the library was misconstrued as a bomb threat.  If it truly was just a mistake, and this kid’s farts are bad enough to be mistaken for a bomb, the last thing they need is for him to be eating prison food and making them smell worse.

Some people are now saying Madonna’s halftime show was filled with satanic symbolism.  Her publicist said if anyone has a complaint they should call 666-666-6666.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that’s still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don’t you ban those? Those do more damage…” –Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It’s always the voters who get screwed – right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn’t really care about poor people. Now he’s backtracking, and he’s saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welker.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions. –Jay Leno

Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers. –Jay Leno

Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get. –Jay Leno

Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don’t they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin? –Jay Leno

Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said “$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.” –Conan O’Brien

A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies. –Conan O’Brien

A new product that’s coming out lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream, charging $9 for air. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement. –David Letterman

It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him. –David Letterman

According to new research, playing iPhone games like “Angry Birds” and “Words With Friends” can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person. -Jimmy Fallon

Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he’s bald and doesn’t have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who’s not looking for him — women. -Jimmy Fallon

Police in Kentucky arrested a naked man covered in chocolate and peanut butter after he broke into a grocery store. So I guess there is a wrong way to eat a Reese’s. -Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine’s Day this year. Yep, that’s 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers. -Jimmy Fallon

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele publicly criticized the Patriots receivers for dropping some of her husband’s passes. You know, it’s one thing when you get chewed out by your coach. But to get chewed out by a a supermodel, that’s got to hurt. –Jay Leno

Patriots coach Bill Belichick was not happy after the game. I haven’t seen a man that miserable come out of Indiana since Letterman. –Jay Leno

NBC charged advertisers $5 million for a 30-second spot — $7 million a minute. That’s almost as much as the Kardashian wedding. –Jay Leno

President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. You know, I got a better idea. How about sanctions against our banks for deceptive practices? –Jay Leno

Madonna came into the Super Bowl halftime show carried by muscle-bound men. It’s a good thing she wasn’t carried in by the Patriots, because they would have dropped her. –Craig Ferguson

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Here are  some jokes from comedian, Chelsea Handler:

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics — I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life.

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He’s all like, ‘Chelsea, you’re really gonna like it. It’s really popular in Europe.’ I’m like, ‘So is David Hasselhoff.’

(On being a Bride’s Maid) We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing — a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin — no thank you. My family’s very close; I can do that at home.

(On wedding gifts) Why don’t you get me a gift? I’m still single! I don’t know if you can register at a liquor store, but I would like to try.

I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

You don’t run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you’re looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o’clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I’m ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I’m like, ‘Hey, you. What’s up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.’ He’s like, ‘Aren’t they both dead?’ I’m like, ‘One of them came back, OK? And she’s sick.’

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

After President Obama wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater last week with his singing voice the producers of American Idol invited him to sing on their show next year.  The timing couldn’t be better because he expects to have a lot of time on his hands after the election.

Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election.  He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population.

Newt is touting himself as a regular guy, a sort of “every man.”  I don’t know if he is every man but as fat as he is he could definitely pass for two or three of them.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked friends and family to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  He’s already won 3 Super Bowls and he’s married to a supermodel.  That’s like asking people to pray for Mitt Romney to make more money.

The labor department announced that the economy created 243,000 new jobs last month.  Unfortunately, none of them were in the US.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a study has shown that nagging is the number one cause for divorce in the US.  The number two cause was when injury caused by men ignore the nagging.

Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people in 10 states.  A Taco Bell spokesman said, “What’s the big deal? That’s way below our average…Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward!”

Last week was Groundhog Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow so it looks like we’ll have 6 more weeks of Republican primaries.

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  Interestingly, his former profession was boxer, but his career was brief because he liked to chase women who wore thongs.

According to a report 60% of Miami residents are miserable.  Coincidentally, this survey was done during a week when Miami stores were having a hard time getting deliveries of “Depends.”

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Super Bowl Fun Facts

10.Before Gatorade, players dumped bouillabaisse on their coaches

9.This year, every commercial will feature a sneezing monkey

8.Super Bowl II was played on shag carpeting

7.No team trailing at the end of the fourth quarter has ever won a Super Bowl

6.Officials at the first Super Bowl were dressed as Zorro

5.Every Super Bowl is decided a week in advance by NFL spokesman Greg Aiello

4.Super Bowl MVP Larry Csonka appeared in the film, “Larry Csonka and the Chocolate Factory”

3.Mike Ditka is only person to win Super Bowl as a player, coach and cheerleader

2.Due to football shortage, Super Bowl XXXII was played with mangoes

1.Pat Nixon slept with every member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins backfield

Top Ten Sound Effects

10.Doorbell

9.German Grandma

8.Slide Whistle

7.Dog on Mitt Romney’s car (Frightened yelping, horn honking)

6.Seal (Matt Damon making seal sound)

5.Bacon sizzling or Shower

4.Glass crash (Tom Hanks making glass crash sound effects)

3.Crowd at New York Knicks game (Booing)

2.Kitty (Dave making kitty sound effects)

1.The sound of people watching at home (Snoring)

Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like To Say To Dave On His 30th Anniversary In Late Night

10.”I stopped watching in ‘92″
(Jay Johnson)

9.”One of these days we’ll figure out how to kill you and make it look like an accident”
(Biff Henderson)

8.”My therapist says I have Stockholm syndrome”
(Kathy Mavrikakis)

7.”I will not be berated this way — go f**k yourself”
(Jude Brennan)

6.”My family thinks I work at Walgreens”
(Will Lee)

5.”Thirty years — we’ve never met”
(Barbara Gaines)

4.”Hey Grandpa, shove it up your ass”
(Sue Hum)

3.”You’re incompetent”
(Rob Burnett)

2.”I’ve always loved you, now and forever”
(Rick Scheckman)

1.”I’ve got nothing to say to that prick”
(Paul Shaffer)

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket

10.”Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9.”Have I recently divorced either Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?”

8.”Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7.”Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6.”Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5.”Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4.”For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3.”If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2.”Will I forever be known as ‘The Ass—- who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1.”Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”

Top Ten Other Newt Gingrich “Big Ideas”

10.A Milk Dud the size of a basketball

9.More awards shows

8.New iPhone app called “Angry Jowls”

7.Ban people from calling something “awesome” unless it actually inspires awe

6.Fill Grand Canyon with custard; rename it Grand Cannoli

5.Diapers on horses

4.You’ve heard of the five-blade razor? How ’bout the six-blade razor?

3.Free donuts?

2.End the decade-long conflict between Elton John and Madonna

1.Open marriages for people named Newt

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.” –David Letterman

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.” –Stephen Colbert

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It’s the first day of Black History Month. So if you’re watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It’s called Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.” –Conan O’Brien

“Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” –Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama’s new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores.  As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.”

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaeda magazine.  It was the issue where Barbara Walters interviewed the ten most interesting terrorists of the years.

KC of KC and the Sunshine Band had a birthday this week.  Not that he’s getting old, but now when he does a little dance, he can no longer make a little love, because he’s got to sit down tonight….and rest.

According to a University of Michigan study, talking about sex is as important to a relationship as having sex.  Unless, since 40% of men now have moobs, or male breasts, they get into comparing breast size with their wives….then it’s not the best.

Last weekend in Oakland 400 “Occupy protesters” were arrested for throwing rocks bottles and starting fires.  Police are theorizing that it’s been so long since an Oakland sports team won a championship that rioters had to find something else to riot about.

A woman in Iowa gave birth to a baby boy weighing 13 lbs. and 13 ounces.  So, now American youth aren’t even waiting to get out of the womb to get fat.

Mitt Romney says he’s not from Washington and that’s why he should be elected President.  Great, since he’s not from there he’s going to end up taking even more vacations than Obama does.

Romney also said about not being from Washington, that he’s lived on the real streets of America…the ones paved with gold.

A hospital worker from Logan, Utah was arrested for having sex with an unconscious woman in the hospital he worked at.  He told police he just made a mistake.  After he touched her between the legs and she didn’t move, he was sure it was his wife so he thought it was okay to have sex with her.

President Obama announced a new energy plan.  He’s going to vacation more and conserve his energy until he finds out who his opponent in the election will be so he knows who to attack.

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Dave Attell:

I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes — we both start laughing.

I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me, thinking, ‘How does he know?’ I know. I know what they like: lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it… They’ll try to fool you with a restraining order.

You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.

Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? ‘Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.’

Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage! Thrusting it out at me, making me do things, making me listen to you — it’s crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I?

I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive.

I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite — they’re blowing stuff up, having fun; I’m walking around like the Special Olympics torch boy.

I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni, and I had a gun with one bullet. Now, what do you do? I blew my head off, that’s what I did.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay leno, David Letterman, Conan O”Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon:

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them. –Conan O’Brien

Olive Garden announced they’re undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They’re so desperate they’re even considering serving Italian food. –Conan O’Brien

A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, “I’ll be there in five teachers.” –Conan O’Brien

What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address last night in Washington, D.C. Did the Supreme Court justices really need to wear their robes to that? –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new episode of “American Idol” on tonight. Tonight’s auditions were held in aspen. Where else better to find talent than a snowbound town that’s 400 miles by icy road to the nearest city? ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook users probably know, in September, the site unveiled the Facebook profile page, which they call “timeline.” Or more fittingly, “waste of timeline.” ? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s revolutionary because it allows your friends and co-workers to see drunken photographs of you, not just from last night, but from any point in your existence. ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned$42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it’s a nickname they give you based on your search history. –Conan O’Brien

Here in California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t buy Michael Buble CDs.” –Conan O’Brien

Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It’s his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love. –Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week. –Jay Leno

More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here’s the worst part — he ordered it to go. –Jay Leno

That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck. –David Letterman

I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship. –David Letterman

That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger, isn’t he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks. –David Letterman

President Obama wants to remind Americans of the things he has taken care of — bin Laden, adios. Gadhafi, bye-bye. And Regis is gone. –David Letterman

President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones. –Jimmy Kimmel

During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops. . –Jimmy Fallon

The Baltimore Ravens will travel to New England to take on the Patriots. When asked if they were excited for the game, quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.” . –Jimmy Fallon

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. –Jay Leno

You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better. –Jay Leno

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. –David Letterman

I saw the videotape of the rat hopping around on the buns. The rat is wearing a hair net, so . . –David Letterman

Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago. –Jimmy Fallon

Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some jokes by a very good stand-up comedian, Jimmy Allen:

To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and…

Did you hear there’s a stealth condom? That’s what it’s called. It’s called the stealth condom. Now how many guys are going to go out and buy a stealth condom? How many guys want to get in and out without anyone knowing they were there?

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I’d hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they’ve read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty…’

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a remote control?’

Now that I’m married, I’m being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, ‘Do you think I’m fat?’ I said, ‘Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see “stupid jackass” written on my face?”

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