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Funny Observations from Current Events – 11/06/12

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week: Today is election day.  It should really be a holiday and what we would be celebrating is the end of campaigning. According to a new study, 1/3 of American kids are overweight or obese.  Apparently, Michelle...

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 06/13/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 15-06-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Seth Meyers:

For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost. –Jimmy Fallon

“Game of Thrones” author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers — and that’s just the cast of “Game of Thrones.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Sterling said he’s fighting the sale of the Clippers because the NBA is a “band of hypocrites” and “despicable monsters.” He added, “And those are my kind of people. Please don’t make me leave.” –Jimmy Fallon

Father’s Day is this weekend. And get this: The average American will spend $113 on a gift for Father’s Day. Or in other words, none of us are average Americans. I get my dad the same thing every year: a six-pack and a scratch-off ticket. And if he wins, we split it. –Jimmy Fallon

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election? –David Letterman

While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, “That’s all?” –David Letterman

It is the 20th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson arrest. That trial just went on and on. And when they announced the verdict, 300 million people were watching. Today they all remember exactly where they were when they said, “YOU’RE KIDDING!!” –David Letterman

Later in his life O.J. Simpson was arrested, tried, and convicted. He is in prison now for stealing sports memorabilia. Double homicide, not a problem. Stealing sports memorabilia — that’ll get you in the slammer. –David Letterman

Kim and Kanye are on their honeymoon. It’s going to last until this weekend. Not their honeymoon. Their marriage. –Craig Ferguson

Kim and Kanye are honeymooning in Mexico. Republicans and Democrats agree that if there’s ever a time to seal the border, this is it. –Craig Ferguson

I have an idea. While Kim and Kanye are out of the country, we should all hide. Then they’ll come back and say, “Hey, look at us” — and then they’ll say, “Hey, there is nobody here” — and then maybe they’ll go to another country. Hey, it’s just a thought. –Craig Ferguson

The campaign manager who helped unseat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor last night is a 23-year-old man who interviewed for a job at Panera Bread last month. Said Cantor, “Is that position still available?” –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania. –Seth Meyers

A new study shows that red wine can boost short-term memory. Three or four glasses, and you’re guaranteed to remember your ex’s phone number. –Seth Meyers

President Obama’s daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he’s used to people ignoring him.

Paramount is planning to re-release “Forrest Gump” this year to celebrate the movie’s 20th anniversary. So it’ll be back in theaters. Which is great because before if you wanted to see “Forrest Gump,” you had to turn on your TV at literally any time of day. –Jimmy Fallon

Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey. –Jimmy Fallon

A guy in New York is selling the world’s largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn’t really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce. –Jimmy Fallon

The L.A. Kings are one game away from winning their second Stanley Cup in three years. Here’s what’s interesting. In other cities when the hockey team wins the championship, rowdy fans overturn cars. In Los Angeles, rowdy fans UNPLUG cars. -Conan O’Brien

Donald Sterling has reversed his decision to sell the Clippers to Steve Ballmer, the former CEO of Microsoft. If Sterling gets his way, the deal will fall through and Ballmer won’t be able to buy the team. When asked about it, Ballmer said, “That’s OK. I’m used to things freezing and then crashing.” -Conan O’Brien

A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It’s part of Whole Foods’ new slogan, “You’d have to be drunk to pay these prices.” -Conan O’Brien

One of the top people in a Mexican drug cartel is a woman who apparently looks exactly like Kim Kardashian. The only difference is the head of the drug cartel has a job and is less of a threat to America. -Conan O’Brien

President Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving. –David Letterman

The president was sitting there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for Taliban prisoners. –David Letterman

President Obama had a cup of his favorite coffee — the Kenyan Socialist. –David Letterman

Donald Sterling is trying to back out of selling the Clippers. If that weren’t enough, he’s suing the NBA for $1 billion. I haven’t seen a senile old man fight like this since the last “Expendables” movie. –Craig Ferguson

Clippers fans are nervous. How nervous are they? They’re more nervous than Scooby-Doo at Michael Vick’s house. They’re more nervous than the “Duck Dynasty” crew at a gay pride parade. They’re more nervous than Jay-Z in an elevator with Solange. They’re more nervous than Nicole Kidman during a Botox shortage. –Craig Ferguson

The Canadian police are hunting for three inmates who escaped from prison in Quebec using a helicopter. How do you sneak a helicopter into prison? “Are you here to see someone? What do you got there? Is that a helicopter in your pants?” –Craig Ferguson

President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte. –Seth Meyers

A Connecticut woman was arrested after she sent her son to school with a grenade for his World War II-related show and tell. Though I’d say the school was asking for trouble when they planned a World War II-related show and tell. –Seth Meyers

LEGO revealed that many of its executives use customized LEGO figures that resemble themselves in lieu of business cards. Which explains why their assistants always get calls asking, “Can I speak to Mr. Yellow Head, Brown Hair?” –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 06/06/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 06-06-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

Tonight was Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals with the L.A. Kings playing the New York Rangers. California Gov. Jerry Brown said if the Rangers win he’ll give New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo a package of rice cakes. Cuomo would give Brown some chicken wing sauce if the Kings win. That’s just crap in their pantries that no one ate. –Jimmy Fallon

French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, “You’ll figure it out.” –Jimmy Fallon

A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona — who is white — recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona’s governor immediately deported him. –Jimmy Fallon

The World Cup starts next week. A wildlife center in China says that its baby panda will correctly predict the outcome of the World Cup games. When asked what will happen, the panda said, “None of the stadiums will be ready and all the games will be canceled.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest. –Conan O’Brien

The co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He says everyone should mind their own beeswax. –Conan O’Brien

That’s right, the co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. In his defense, he was just trying to explain to her the story of the Burts and the bees. –Conan O’Brien

You want more? Hey, the co-founder of Burt’s Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He was caught during a sting operation. –Conan O’Brien

We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody’s gone crazy. People say it’s the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS. –David Letterman

These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they’re released and they get to fly home. And I’m thinking, if you go to the airport and you’re stuck behind these guys in security, good luck. –David Letterman

There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the “Twilight” movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it’s a little bit of sparkle! –Craig Ferguson

I think Robert Pattinson would make a great Indiana Jones. Instead of searching for the lost ark, he could go searching for a deal on moisturizer. –Craig Ferguson

Instead of battling Nazis, Pattinson could battle flyaway bangs. –Craig Ferguson

Today is National Cheese Day. A lot of celebrities are very excited. There’s Monterey Jack Nicholson. Rush Limburger. Brie-oncé. Mozzar-Ellen DeGeneres. And Parma-Sean Connery. –Craig Ferguson

This week Tom Brady’s 18,000-square-foot L.A. mansion was sold to Dr. Dre for $40 million. Now, $40 million might sound like a lot, but remember, he’s a doctor. –Seth Meyers

Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age. –Jimmy Fallon

Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper. –Jimmy Fallon

CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN. –Jimmy Fallon

Tim Tebow said that he’s staying in shape in case he gets another opportunity to play in the NFL. Then his boss said, “That’s great, but these Waffle Tacos ain’t going to make themselves, so . . .” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us. –Conan O’Brien

There’s reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then today the script was leaked by Edward Snowden. –Conan O’Brien

A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field. –Conan O’Brien

Lindsey Lohan is moving to London. Before long, she’ll be slurring in a British accent. –David Letterman

The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no. –David Letterman

I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you’re pretty close. –David Letterman

President Obama is in Poland. He’s not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It’s kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you’re getting attacked, right? –Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to CNN’s Anderson Cooper. Friends threw him a party today. There was an awkward moment when they yelled “Surprise!” and he said, “What, somebody’s watching CNN?” –Craig Ferguson

Statistics for the 47 most damaging hurricanes revealed that those with female names killed twice as many people. The study found that when a hurricane has a woman’s name we take it less seriously and don’t prepare as well. Either that or the female hurricanes want to hang around and cuddle afterwards. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last week Apple bought Beats headphones for $3 billion. Guess what? They already lost it. They think they left it on the plane. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday Apple unveiled its new operating system for the Mac Yosemite. It monitors your heart rate, weight, and sleep — and if you sit on it, it can give you a colonoscopy. –Jimmy Kimmel

A new book called “Rebels: City of Indra” from Kylie and Kendall Jenner was released today. That’s right. Kylie and Kendall Jenner wrote a book, according to loose definitions of the words “wrote” and “book.” Listen, I agree to keep up with the Kardashians, but my contract said nothing about having to keep tabs on the Jenners too. –Jimmy Kimmel

A new study shows hurricanes with female names are more fatal because people subconsciously assume that they are less dangerous. Though I’d bet people would evacuate pretty quickly for Hurricane Solange. –Seth Meyers

The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves. –Seth Meyers

Donald Sterling is now facing another lawsuit after a former aide filed for sexual harassment yesterday. Apparently, he told her she was so sexy that he wouldn’t mind if she brought black guys to Clippers games. –Seth Meyers

Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress. –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 05/23/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 23-05-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, “We’ve been expecting you.” –Jimmy Fallon

Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese? –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers have found that eating two large meals helps you lose more weight than eating six small meals. Or as doctors put it, “Please just exercise.” –Jimmy Fallon

A Russian businessman has been ordered to pay his wife $4.5 billion in what is being called the world’s most expensive divorce. Then L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, “Stay tuned.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, “Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.” –Conan O’Brien

In Nashville a woman named Peyton Manning was arrested for possession of cocaine. Either that or football’s Peyton Manning likes to switch things up. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said she would not rule out running for office someday. She said she will wait until her children are grown and make up 51 percent of the voting population. –Conan O’Brien

It’s Fleet Week here in New York City. All the armed forces are here, 1,500 military personnel. They’re here to defend us against Godzilla. –David Letterman

Fleet Week is great for me personally because it’s the only time I can walk around New York City and not feel stupid wearing my little sailor outfit. –David Letterman

A new study proves that women love men in uniform. You know, unless it’s a Mets uniform. –David Letterman

Judge Judy was on all night long in prime time here on CBS. She makes about $50 million a year. Now to be fair, most of that is from bribes. –David Letterman

During Fleet Week, New York City gets pretty rowdy. All that yelling, drinking, and raising hell. And then when they’re done taping “The View,” Fleet Week starts. –Craig Ferguson

Mr. T turns 62 today. Mr. T was so beloved in the 1980s he had his own breakfast cereal. They had to pull it off the shelves though. Kids kept breaking their teeth on the little crunchy gold medallions. –Craig Ferguson

On “Dancing With the Stars,” double amputee Amy Purdy, who has not one but two artificial legs, made it all the way to the final two and then she lost to an Olympic gold medal-winning ice dancer. Is that fair? I don’t think it is. –Jimmy Kimmel

Good news for fans of “Frozen.” Disney announced this fall they will debut a live show called “Frozen on Ice.” I haven’t seen it, but wasn’t “Frozen” already on ice? –Jimmy Kimmel

For 40 years Burger King has been saying “Have it your way” in their ads. They’re changing the slogan from “Have it your way” to “Be your way.” I don’t get it. Am I ordering a Whopper or coming out to my family? –Jimmy Kimmel

I would be mad if I was in charge of supplies for Burger King. Because they’re changing two words in the slogan, I now have to print 8 trillion new cups. Does Burger King know that they could not even have a tag line and as long as they have hamburgers literally no one would care? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s Fleet Week in New York. And you know what that means: Next week is Penicillin Week. –Seth Meyers

One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced it’s recalling another 218,000 Chevy Aveos. Apparently, their defect is that they’re Chevy Aveos. –Seth Meyers

Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. Because sometimes New York is full of great surprises and other times it’s full of children playing the recorder on the subway in the morning. –Seth Meyers

Golfer Rory McIlroy broke off his engagement to a pro tennis player, Caroline Wozniacki, days after sending out wedding invitations. Because he realized that, to her, love means zero. –Seth Meyers

Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there’s nothing parents love more than their kid’s Little League game getting even longer. –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Beyoncé and Jay-Z released a trailer for their upcoming tour together. When asked what they like most about the video, they said, “We actually knew we were making this one.” –Jimmy Fallon

CNN had to fire an editor after discovering that she plagiarized 50 stories. CNN said, “Can you imagine if somebody actually SAW them?” –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists in London say they have invented a process that can actually turn light into matter, but warned people that their results won’t be visible to the human eye. Well, in that case, I invented it too. –Jimmy Fallon

A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can’t really describe what he does for a living. –Conan O’Brien

“Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak posted several tweets mocking people who believe in global warming. The tweet was hard to understand because Sajak didn’t buy any vowels. –Conan O’Brien

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik’s Cube. If you kids don’t know what a Rubik’s Cube is, it’s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. –Conan O’Brien

A Japanese company unveiled a robot that can tell jokes and then detect if the joke was well received. In a related story, I start my shift at Quiznos tomorrow. –Conan O’Brien

A 24-year-old cat in England has been named the world’s oldest cat. That cat is so old, if you give it a ball of yarn, it knits. –Seth Meyers

A man in Florida has been arrested for inappropriately touching two women outside a Walmart while claiming to be a psychic. Though to his credit, when the police picked him up he said, “I knew this was going to happen.” –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 05/09/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 09-05-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, “Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m.” Please leave.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, “Uh … that was also rehab.” –Jimmy Fallon

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, “I love it so much, I’m going to do this every year.” –Conan O’Brien

In a biography Michael Jordan said that as a kid, he saw so much racism that he began to hate, quote, “all white people.” Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball. –Conan O’Brien

A new report just came out. It found that more 19-year-old women are having sex but fewer of them are getting pregnant, which explains why today George Clooney broke off his engagement. He read that and said, “I got to get back out there!” –Conan O’Brien

The stock price for whole foods has plummeted nearly 20 percent. Yeah, that’s a drop of $9, or the price of one grape at Whole Foods. It’s $9 a grape now. –Conan O’Brien

Guess who’s back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news … in 1998. –David Letterman

The legacy, the legend, the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in all of baseball, has retired, and they named a street after him. Got a call today from New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. Since I announced my retirement they’ve named a dumpster on Ninth Avenue after me. So go on by! –David Letterman

The Los Angeles District Attorney is now investigating Donald Sterling’s mistress after she allegedly threatened to release more audio recordings in order to blackmail him. Sterling is very upset because he prefers to be whitemailed. –Seth Meyers

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that could fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently the engines are powered by human screams. –Seth Meyers

This week, Pittsburgh window cleaners dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital — although it backfired because the kids were bummed out to learn that Batman spends his days cleaning windows. –Seth Meyers

Ontario nutrition company CEN Biotech has announced plans to build the world’s largest and most efficient marijuana factory. Though I’d bet there isn’t a ton of competition for “most efficient marijuana factory.” –Seth Meyers

The White House released a massive report on the effects of climate change called the National Climate Assessment. Which beats its original title: “It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here.” Although the report might have more impact if they didn’t release it RIGHT when the weather got nice. –Jimmy Fallon

Our friend Danica McKellar was sent home from “Dancing With the Stars” last night after having to dance with a broken rib, while I banged my knee on a table this morning and asked NBC if we could do a rerun. –Jimmy Fallon

The Supreme Court upheld a decision that allows town hall meetings to open with a prayer. But the prayer probably won’t be answered because when God heard it was a town hall meeting, even HE went to sleep. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, a 6-foot-8 Brazilian woman married her longtime boyfriend, who’s 5-foot-4. The couple met at a park after the woman noticed her shoe was untied. –Seth Meyers

A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, “What do I have to do? What do you want from me?” –Conan O’Brien

A new airline will have a three-room suite and a private butler. This airline is called Not Southwest. That’s what we know about it. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a new trend of people calling “Find My iPhone” to confront thieves who have stolen their iPhone. They use the app “Find My iPhone” in order to find the thief. And this explains the app called “Find My Stupid Friend Who Went After the Criminal Who Stole My iPhone.” Way to get murdered. –Conan O’Brien

A Florida man went to court for the right to marry his laptop computer. He wants to marry his laptop. He said it’s just like a wife because whenever he brings it into bed, it freezes. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a guy on the Upper West Side in New York City who’s now the oldest man in the world. He is 111 years old. How about that? His medical expenses are fully covered by Coolidge Care. –David Letterman

The United States used to make all the steel for the world. But here’s what we do now. In Chicago, a restaurant came up with something called a wonut: a combination waffle and donut. That’s what we make. They’ve been working on it at the University of Chicago for years. –David Letterman

Today is National Tourist Appreciation Day. And speaking for all New Yorkers, I’d just like to say, we would appreciate it if you would get the hell out of the way. –Seth Meyers

Medical officials across the nation are reporting that more baristas are complaining about wrist-related injuries they get from making drinks. So much for the tough-guy image of baristas. –Seth Meyers

The 2015 US Open for Bowling has been canceled due to a lack of interest from sponsors. And spectators. And bowlers. –Seth Meyers

A new survey in Britain shows that one out of six people would have sex with a robot. While five out of six people don’t like how you’re looking at that Roomba. –Seth Meyers

It’s Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico’s Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour. –Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie — while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine. –Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that’s what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn’t able to eat for 24 hours. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that a growing number of dog owners are giving their pets anti-anxiety medication as a way to calm them down and reduce unwanted stress in their lives. Then the dogs said, “Or, you could just sell the vacuum cleaner.” –Jimmy Fallon

Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito. –David Letterman

Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn’t. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico’s unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone’s fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army? –Jimmy Kimmel

While Cinco de Mayo is kind of a big deal here in the United States, in Mexico it’s not. What would be the American equivalent to Cinco de Mayo in Mexico? Would it be maybe Flag Day? –Jimmy Kimmel

That is what’s great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime. –Jimmy Kimmel

Adele posted a cryptic tweet today that hints about a possible album release in the coming months. In anticipation of the album, women everywhere have already started crying. –Seth Meyers

The album is good news for Adele fans, bad news for her boyfriend. –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 05/02/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 02-05-2014

Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

After his racist remarks, L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned for life yesterday by NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. He’s now being pressured to sell the team. Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. is interested in buying the team. Either that or he’s lying just so he can get alone in a room with Donald Sterling. –Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that “The View” is considering replacing Barbara Walters with the show’s first-ever male co-host. In other words, I think we just found another way to punish Donald Sterling. –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Kanye West is planning to release a three-hour spoken word album. So, if you’re a fan of Kanye, get ready to prove it. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in California is making news for running a mile while drinking four beers, all in under five minutes. Sure, but when I try to do it, they tell me to get off the treadmill and leave the gym. –Jimmy Fallon

Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been banned for life from the NBA by Commissioner Adam Silver. People are now wondering who the new Clippers owner will be. All the NBA has said so far is it’s definitely not anyone from “Duck Dynasty.” –Conan O’Brien

On the “Today” show Matt Lauer admitted that he’s never seen “Star Wars.” It was part of their new segment, “Where in the World Has Matt Lauer Been for the Past 37 Years?” –Conan O’Brien

In Canada, a Budweiser blimp has broken free and is on the loose. Or maybe it’s Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, we don’t know. –Conan O’Brien

Major League Lacrosse is upset at rapper Jay-Z because in one of his new lyrics he calls the sport soft. Meanwhile, rappers are upset that Jay-Z is now rapping about lacrosse. –Conan O’Brien

At a press conference yesterday, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver showed he’s a tough guy who jumps on a problem and takes care of it. He answered a bunch of questions about Donald Sterling. And then he took some questions about grazing cattle on public land. –David Letterman

Donald Sterling has now been banned for life. That’s ironic. This guy has been blacklisted. –David Letterman

NBA owners will get together to vote and perhaps force Sterling to sell his team. He originally bought the team for $12 million. And the market value of the Clippers now is $800 million. Ouch, that is going to sting, that $700 million profit. That’ll teach him. –David Letterman

If they really want to hurt this Sterling guy, they should force him to buy the Knicks. –David Letterman

There are rumors that Oprah Winfrey may buy the L.A. Clippers. First she has to come up with $700 million. She’s got that under her couch cushions, doesn’t she? –Craig Ferguson

You know whose birthday it is today? Willie Nelson. He turned 81 years old. Actually, yesterday was his birthday. I was going to mention it yesterday, but I forgot. That’s OK. So did Willie. –Craig Ferguson

NBA commissioner Adam Silver has ordered Donald Sterling to sell the Clippers in the wake of his racist comments. A group of investors led by Oprah is planning to buy the team. I think Oprah would be a great team owner. How does the idea of a halftime book club hit you? –Jimmy Kimmel

Welterweight boxing champ Floyd Mayweather Jr. also wants to own the Clippers. That one is interesting. If Donald Sterling doesn’t want to sell, let them box for it. Put those two in the ring. That would be a moneymaker. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Clippers beat the Golden State Warriors last night in round one of the playoffs. They lead the series. The funny thing is if the Clippers win the NBA title, Donald Sterling will probably get another $100 million when he sells the team. –Jimmy Kimmel

Japanese fans have accused American filmmakers of making the new Godzilla fatter in the upcoming remake. They might have a point, because at the end of the movie, Godzilla goes back into the ocean wearing a T-shirt. -Seth Meyers

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up — the blacklist. –Jimmy Fallon

On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on. –Jimmy Fallon

Paula Deen is continuing her comeback by launching a 20-city cooking tour. Her first gig: catering Donald Sterling’s farewell party. –Jimmy Fallon

Producers are currently working on a remake of the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film “Ben-Hur.” They’re calling the remake “Ben-Hur, Done That.” –Jimmy Fallon

The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team. –Conan O’Brien

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn’t think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, “Wow, this is the first time I’ve liked a Cuban.” –Conan O’Brien

NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn’t banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season. –Conan O’Brien

Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing. –Conan O’Brien

In the middle of his second term, President Obama’s approval rating once again has dropped. Obama’s approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, “I’ll take it from here.” –David Letterman

The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He’s pretty old. They could’ve just said two years. It would have been the same thing. –Craig Ferguson

This afternoon the NBA laid out the punishment for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It will include a lifetime ban from the NBA, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws. -Seth Meyers

A large Budweiser blimp was reported to be floating somewhere above New Jersey after it broke loose over the weekend. Which brings New Jersey’s total of out-of-control blimps to two. -Seth Meyers

Frontier Airlines has announced new plans to make customers pay for advanced seat assignments and to use the overhead bins. Frontier passengers applauded the move, since you actually get way more leg room if you sit in the overhead bin. -Seth Meyers

A New York man is being sued for a quarter of a million dollars after his ex-girlfriend claimed he harassed her with nearly a hundred emails. If 100 emails are worth a quarter of a million dollars, that means Crate & Barrel owes me $256 billion. -Seth Meyers

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 4/25/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 25-04-2014

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Here are the best joke of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the “three R’s”: Reduce, reuse, and, uh, retweet? I don’t know. –Jimmy Fallon

In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, “Beat you to it.” –Jimmy Fallon

Apple will recycle its used products for free. That’s not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600. –Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption. –Jimmy Fallon

Happy Earth Day. And because it’s Earth Day, we’ll be using a solar-powered applause sign. –David Letterman

Earth is 71 percent water. No, wait a minute. That’s Yankee Stadium beer. –David Letterman

Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He just dropped by to sign the lease. –David Letterman

I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the show sometime next year — pending the physical. –David Letterman

It’s the new season of “Deadliest Catch,” which kicked off tonight on the Discovery Channel. It’s in its 10th season. That’s 10 seasons of doing the same repetitive task over and over again. I can’t relate to that at all. –Craig Ferguson

“Deadliest Catch” reminds me of this show. They started in 2005. We started in 2005. They have a lot of cursing. We have a lot of cursing. They have multiple Emmy Awards. We have lots of cursing. –Craig Ferguson

Being a crab fisherman is a very dangerous job. It’s like being prime minister of Ukraine. Or Kim Jong Un’s chess opponent. –Craig Ferguson

Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It’s the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it. –Jimmy Kimmel

After what we have done to Earth, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It’s like lice declaring a Head Day. –Jimmy Kimmel

Everyone celebrates Earth Day in his or her own way. In honor of Earth Day, I have filled all four of my pockets with fresh potting soil. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama’s approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana peel in the blue trash can. –Seth Meyers

The Christian Science Monitor is claiming “Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.” And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the beach. –Seth Meyers

Dutch designers have created a baby’s onesie that comes with built-in Wi-Fi. That way, your child can search the web for better parents. –Seth Meyers

A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. The other 19 percent of parents don’t think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place. –Jimmy Fallon

Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, “There’s only one way to find out.” –Jimmy Fallon

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps. –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit. –David Letterman

A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn’t really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that’s business class. –David Letterman

The 16-year-old kid claims that he passed out right after take-off and woke up just before landing. Isn’t that everybody’s dream flight? –David Letterman

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he’s got a catchy campaign slogan: “Forget my first term. I was on crack.” –David Letterman

Today is John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a “Naturalist” with a “Naturist.” A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked. –Craig Ferguson

John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call that here, “Los Angeles.” –Craig Ferguson

John Muir and I actually have a lot in common. He was born in Scotland. I was born in Scotland. He relocated to America. I relocated to America. His activism changed U.S. history. I relocated to America. –Craig Ferguson

John Muir was so dedicated to the environment that he would house woodland creatures in his beard. That’s Scottish tradition. Sean Connery does it in his chest hair. –Craig Ferguson

Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055. –Seth Meyers

This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes. –Seth Meyers

Last week, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced that he wants to raise the league’s age minimum from 19 to 20. The league’s age maximum will continue to be Kevin Garnett. –Seth Meyers

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 04/11/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 11-04-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Seth Meyers:

A computer virus called “Heartbleed” has affected two-thirds of all websites. Security experts are warning people that they need to change their Internet passwords. Then my mom said, “No problem. I’ll just change my password to 1-2-3-4-5-7!” –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the UConn Lady Huskies, who won the National Championship just one night after the men’s team won. They had a perfect 40-0 season. The men’s team called to congratulate them, while the Lakers called to ask them when they could start in L.A. –Jimmy Fallon

Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin. –Jimmy Fallon

HBO has renewed “Game of Thrones” for two more seasons even though author George R.R. Martin hasn’t finished writing the books yet. So if you’re wondering who’s most likely to die at the end, it’s George R.R. Martin. –Jimmy Fallon

Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill. –Conan O’Brien

The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, “I haven’t been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.” –Conan O’Brien

“Captain America” is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan. –Conan O’Brien

Last week I announced that I’m retiring. Now I’m hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached. –David Letterman

I’ll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, “Mr. Letterman, I’m sorry. I just can’t print the jokes any bigger.” –David Letterman

It’s Derek Jeter’s final year in baseball. Don’t you hate it when a guy announces his retirement a year in advance? And then spends every day milking it for cheap sentimentality? –David Letterman

On the program tonight — Lindsay Lohan. She thinks I’m Dr. Phil. She’s very excited to be here tonight because this means she’ll have an alibi. –David Letterman

Researchers say our brains are changing because of the Internet, because we’re not reading in a linear fashion anymore. So the Internet is destroying our brains. That’s what The Washington Post says. That’s a newspaper. They are going to say the Internet’s bad. That’s like Cat Fancy magazine coming out against dogs. –Craig Ferguson

The Washington Post says Americans spend five hours online every day. And that’s just signing up for Obamacare. –Craig Ferguson

Classic novels will have to be more like tweets so people can understand them. You’ll no longer join Oprah’s Book Club. It will be Oprah’s Tweet Club. –Craig Ferguson

Titles of classic books will have to be changed for people with short attention spans. You’ll have “A Tale of One City.” “The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to Fresno.” “The Grape of Wrath.” “Of Mouse and Man.” “The Guinness Book of One or Two Things.” “Gulliver’s Staycation.” –Craig Ferguson

Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else. –Seth Meyers

France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses. –Seth Meyers

A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day. –Seth Meyers

New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild. –Seth Meyers

A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, “That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.” –Conan O’Brien

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theater. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good. –Conan O’Brien

A new survey shows that New York is still the top spot for vacationers during holidays. And the most popular New York City attraction for those tourists is the middle of the sidewalk. –Seth Meyers

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, “I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats.” He added, “I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train.” –Seth Meyers

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 04/04/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 04-04-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is “here to stay.” He added, “because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a kid here in New York who has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seriously? I can’t even name all eight Ivy League colleges. –Jimmy Fallon

He was accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Even his parents were like, “Nerd.” –Jimmy Fallon

Las Vegas just opened the world’s tallest Ferris wheel, which is 550 feet high. They say it’s the perfect place to take your kids — and then leave them while you hit the blackjack table. –Jimmy Fallon

Baseball season started this week. This year for $500 you can have your marriage proposal shown live on the Jumbotron at the Astros stadium. It’s also the only way Astros fans will get to see anyone receive a ring. –Conan O’Brien

“Noah” is a blockbuster of a movie with a lot of surprises. Two days out and Noah realized he’s allergic to lion dander. –David Letterman

My favorite scene in the “Noah” movie was during the big storm when Noah is on deck struggling with an umbrella. –David Letterman

They had two of every species on the ark. We get that here in the balcony some nights. –David Letterman

The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She’ll get the house and the car and he’ll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus . . .  –Seth Meyers

Vladimir Putin’s divorce became final today. So ladies, he’s officially single. Run! –Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear “evitable.” What does evitable mean? –Seth Meyers

That’s right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, “What, it’s illegal?” –Seth Meyers

Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, “window shopping.” –Jimmy Fallon

The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months. –Jimmy Fallon

If you still haven’t enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the “individual shared responsibility payment,” which is 1 percent of your salary. Then Americans said, “Good thing I don’t have a job.” –Jimmy Fallon

U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, “OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.” –Jimmy Fallon

Southwest Airlines is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being their headquarters, the show will be delayed for two hours. –Conan O’Brien

Dallas is the largest city in America that is not near a large body of water. That explains the city’s original motto: “Whose bright idea was this?” –Conan O’Brien

The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence — also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce. –Conan O’Brien

The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume. –Seth Meyers

The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.” –Seth Meyers

Tiger Woods announced that he won’t play in the Masters because he’s recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging — and also golfing. –Seth Meyers

During a show put on for China’s Fashion Week, three different models fell on the runway — proving it’s really hard to walk and make clothes at the same time. –Seth Meyers

The March Madness Final Four was set last night with Connecticut taking on Florida, and Wisconsin taking on Kentucky. Meanwhile, Duke will be taking on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. –Jimmy Fallon

Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin. –Jimmy Fallon

California is having to drive 30 million salmon to the ocean because this year’s drought has dried up the rivers that normally get them there. Unfortunately, to make the salmon comfortable, the truckers had to drive against traffic.  –Jimmy Fallon

Today the federal government unveiled new safety guidelines that will require all new cars to have rearview cameras by 2018. Rearview cameras — or as that was called in our station wagon growing up, “Jimmy.” –Jimmy Fallon

It’s great to be here in Dallas for the Final Four. Of course, in Texas the Final Four refers to the number of Democrats in the Legislature. –Conan O’Brien

I will try my hardest ever to give you people a great show. You know why? Because I know you’re all armed. –Conan O’Brien

Today is opening day for Major League Baseball. By the way, just an hour ago the Houston Astros were mathematically eliminated. –Conan O’Brien

Sports is not the only thing you have in this town. Dallas is home to many incredible art museums. And while I’m here I plan to drive by all of them. –Conan O’Brien

(Guest host Drew Carey): I’m so very excited to be on “The Late Late Show” because growing up I wanted to be a talk-show host, but success got in the way. –Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

Craig called me and said, “You want to host the show?” And I said, “You’ve got a show?” I was shocked.  -Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

I saw “Noah” this weekend. Not as good as the book. –Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

Keith Richards is writing a children’s book. I think it’s called “Green Eggs and Whiskey.” Or “Horton Hears a Hallucination.” –Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

We are minutes away from April Fools’ Day. So don’t forget to turn your friends’ clocks back an hour. –Jimmy Kimmel

April Fools’ Day sneaks up on you. But if you’re up now while your husband or wife or kids or parents are asleep, you have the upper hand. It’s almost like they’re asking you to do something to them. –Jimmy Kimmel

I want to wish a happy birthday to Batman. Yesterday was the 75th anniversary of the first time Batman appeared in a comic book. He spent a quiet evening at home watching Netflix with Robin. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, “Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.” –Seth Meyers

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David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 03/24/14 to 03/26/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 01-04-2014

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Captions For Vladimir Putin Photos

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

10. Two blowholes, one blowhard

9. KGBeefcake

8. Ruski business

7. Cosmonaughty

6. Dr. Turnyourheadakov

5. Studnik

4. Siberian hunky

3. Crimea river

2. Dostoyesplease

1. Horse’s ass on a horse’s ass

Top Ten Things Overheard In Line For The Cupcake ATM

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

10. “A cupcake-dispensing machine — take that, China!”

9. “Finally — a fast way to get unhealthy food”

8. “Nothing comes out of an ATM that I won’t eat”

7. “My pin number is also my cholesterol level”

6. “Everyone here smells like weed”

5. “I miss talking to a cupcake teller”

4. “Damn frosting fees”

3. “Go ahead and eat the receipt!”

2. “Quit licking the slot”

1. “Wait your turn, Governor Christie”

Top Ten People Who Will Go To Hell

Monday, March 24, 2014

10. Hostesses who won’t seat you until everyone in your party arrives

9. Whoever told Regis Philbin he could rap (video of Regis rapping)

8. Most Jong-Uns

7. People who answer their phone, “Yello?”

6. Non-Beliebers

5. 80 percent of the people on the E! Network

4. People who say, “Can I borrow you for a sec?”

3. People with the desire and financial means to visit Hell

2. Presidents who never wear a shirt (video of shirtless Vladimir Putin)

1. Anyone who lists people who will go to Hell

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/28/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 28-03-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says “LOL,” he means “Look out, Latvia.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Putin doesn’t have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won’t stop bragging about it. –Jimmy Fallon

Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they’re not calling it a split. They’re calling it a “conscious uncoupling.” –Jimmy Fallon

Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the “Bling Bishop” after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a “conscious unbishopping.” –Jimmy Fallon

One of President Obama’s secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it’s spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea. –Conan O’Brien

The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left. –Conan O’Brien

In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile. –Conan O’Brien

It’s not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia. –David Letterman

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here’s what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that’s like being told you can’t go to the Daytime Emmys. –David Letterman

President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He’s filling in for Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

In Colorado a big convention is going on for five days. It’s expected to bring in thousands of people, and it’s devoted to one of my favorite things: balloons. Yes, the World Balloon Convention is going on in Denver. And I’m stuck here! –Craig Ferguson

I can’t believe the World Balloon Convention is in Denver. What could the people of Colorado possibly have that would suddenly make them transfixed by balloons? –Craig Ferguson

Do you think when we’re not looking, animals make balloon people? –Craig Ferguson

A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama’s visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel’s hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they’re just hung over. –Jimmy Kimmel

The NFL made a big announcement yesterday that will greatly impact how players celebrate in the end zone. The league has banned players from dunking over the goal post. If I want to watch a sport without dunking, I’ll watch the WNBA. –Jimmy Kimmel

Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It’s expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say “Yes, I am 18.” –Seth Meyers

This week Diddy announced he’s going back to his old nickname of Puff Daddy. But your dad will probably just keep calling him “Kanye.” –Seth Meyers

A New Jersey man who was released last week after 15 years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. He learned a valuable lesson. Next time, steal both shoes at the same time. –Seth Meyers

President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, “All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.” –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It’s a pretty big loss — you know, for my monologue. –Jimmy Fallon

“Divergent” was the No. 1 movie at the box office over the weekend, taking in $56 million. It takes place in a bleak futuristic world in which no one’s ever read or seen “The Hunger Games.” –Jimmy Fallon

Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers. –Jimmy Fallon

Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special “Judge Judy.” –Conan O’Brien

There are some accusations that Silicon Valley discriminates against people because of their age. Elderly groups are so furious about this that they plan to send Silicon Valley an angry fax. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It’s called Match.com. –Conan O’Brien

They’ve kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won’t be getting his G-8 jacket. He won’t be getting the G-8 mug. And he’s not going to get the G-8 tote bag. –David Letterman

Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson. –David Letterman

Michelle Obama is in China. I wonder if while she’s over there she could get them to do something about those leaky cardboard takeout containers. –David Letterman

Pope Francis called out the Mafia. He said, “You Mafia guys are all going to hell.” It got me to thinking, who else is going to hell? What about those guys who honk the second the light turns green? –David Letterman

Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward. –Seth Meyers

Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online. –Seth Meyers

Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia — and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car. –Jimmy Fallon

Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn’t want to visit any country he can’t keep. –Jimmy Fallon

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride. But they’re making some changes to it. They’re making the Russian section much, much larger. –Jimmy Fallon

While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship. –Conan O’Brien

Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly invested millions of dollars into a computer that can speak and think as a person. The computer is known as “Mark Zuckerberg.” –Conan O’Brien

Let’s talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it’s like? It’s like President Obama’s approval rating. –David Letterman

In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner. –David Letterman

President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful. –David Letterman

In an interview with “Meet the Press,” former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the “send” button on his typewriter. –Seth Meyers

Three elephants escaped from a circus in suburban St. Louis on Saturday, and before they were captured they damaged two vehicles, injuring over 50 clowns. –Seth Meyers

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