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Here are some jokes from on of the all time great comedians, Bob Hope:

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I like to play golf in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. But don’t confuse that with another Clinton policy — ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Hillary.’ That was a whole different policy.” –David Letterman

“Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born.” –Jay Leno

“At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, ‘Specifically, mine and Biden’s jobs.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody’s talking about the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: ‘Who cares? We do that every election.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for ‘Up in the Air,’ Jeremy Renner for ‘The Hurt Locker,’ and President Obama for the ‘State of the Union.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. The new law will be called, ‘Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they’re going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they’ll bring it into the city.” –Jay Leno

“And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers?  Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They’d get off like that.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can’t even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they’re coming from? Where do you — we can’t even play them. We don’t have machines that old.” –Jay Leno

“Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.” –Jay Leno

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For this week’s article we have a guest columnist, who may return periodically, assuming I’m not arrested or burned in effigy as a result of the advice she gives out.  Please welcome Darnfunnyonline’s new advice columnist, “Dear Crabby”.

Now for the questions from our readers:

Dear Crabby,

I was recently on a flight to see an old, dear friend and while going through airport security they had me stand in one of those scanning machines that essentially allows the security people to see my naked body.  I was assured the picture would be deleted immediately after they examined it.  It was an awkward moment and I honestly didn’t know what to think.  What should I have done?

Embarrassed in North Dakota

Dear Embarrassed,

Since you said your “old, dear friend” I’m guessing you are no spring chicken yourself, and add in the fact that you are from North Dakota, where it’s cold enough to make you feel like your life is hell, yet it freezes over all the time, I assume you rarely have been seen naked in recent times.  So, instead of whining about it be glad someone finally wants to see you that way.  If by some chance you are a hottie then your pictures are probably being sold on some porn site as I write this letter.  After all, airport security is a federally funded organization and they gave all their money away to the banks and insurance and auto industries, so they gotta get money somehow.  So next time this happens tell them you at least want a piece of the pie and ask for a royalty.  The other alternative to the body scan is getting a full body pat down, which could be fun too, depending on how you look at things.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I’m a college student and I think I might be pregnant.  What should I do?

Oops! In Oregon

Dear Oops,

First of all I’m assuming you’re blonde.  Since you think you might be pregnant, do you also think you may have had sex without a condom?  As to what you should do, since you are a college girl I’m guessing there is a library on the campus somewhere (It’s probably the building you walk by and wonder what they do in there.)  Go to that building and look up birth control.  Next, stop getting drunk on dates.  And last of all, plan on taking off at least one semester from college.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time at Hooters but he insists it’s because they have good food at reasonable prices.  I’m not sure what to think about that.  Any advice?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

I was wrong.  I thought I couldn’t getter any letters that were more stupid that the pregnant girl’s above, but you have humbled me.  I’m gonna make a wild guess and say he says he likes to read Playboy for the articles and he goes to strip clubs for the free chicken fried steak.  My advice to you is dump Hooters boy and then get a life (and possibly a brain transplant.)

Crabby

Thank you for reading “Dear Crabby” and if you think she is mean you should have read some the advice given out by her sisters “Dear Pre-Menstrual Stress Lady” and “Dear Menopausal Woman”.

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I realize I’m a day late with the Groundhog day humor but there are some holidays you just don’t want to end, so here you go (stuff that was sent to me):

Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

11. It’s on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.

3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

—————————–

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I?ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

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Here are some jokes that are based on recent happenings around the country, which depending how you look at things can always be a source of humor.

It has been such a cold winter in many places this year, including even Florida with record lows, that homeless people were found burning Al Gore in effigy, not because they were mad at him, but just to keep warm.

Lawmakers in New Jersey recently passed a new law okaying medical marijuana for people with severe illnesses such as cancer, AIDS and Lou Gehrig’s disease.  Afterward, outside the capitol building, there were a bunch of potheads wearing Yankee caps saying, “I consider-sider-sider myself-self-self the luckiest man on the face-ace-ace of the earth-rth-rth.”

Harry Reid called Obama a ”light skinned Afro-American with no Negro dialect”, which made him electable in the 2008 election.  Now recently the former governor of Illinois, Blagojevich, was quoted in Esquire magazine as saying “He’s blacker than Obama.”  So, we can now all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that Blagojevich is no longer electable to government office.

John Edward’s wife filed for divorce recently citing irreconcilable differences, plus the fact that he was definitely NOT too big to fail.

The Fair Tax people, which is a group promoting a National Sales tax to replace the IRS have legitimately claimed that if their plan was implemented many new jobs would be created.  Can you imagine how good it could be if they used the Obama administration method of counting new jobs after the stimulus?  There would be more jobs that there are people.

President Obama is getting so unpopular he could disguise himself as a fire hydrant and his dog wouldn’t even appreciate him…. When former President Bush was asked what he thought of the job Obama was doing he was quoted as saying, “nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah. nayh, nayh.”…Even the Socialist party in the US is distancing itself from Obama….All the democrats are hoping the 2.0 version of the Obama presidency will be released well before the November elections (and that it is better than the typical Microsoft “improved” versions).

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Here are some one-liners from George Burns.  These mostly have to do with old age, but he was funny even before he used the age gag.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week. It is mostly Jay Leno since most of the others were off this week.

“Tomorrow night, President Obama  will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he’s going to talk a lot about India.” –Jay Leno

“Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. ‘Hey, there aren’t any. Thank you. Good night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps.” –Jay Leno

“Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — ‘I’ll be back.’” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: ‘What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.’” –Jay Leno

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” –Jay Leno

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” –Jay Leno

“Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union Address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain’s wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he’s still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons.” –Jay Leno

“As I’m sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. There’s a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, John Edwards said today he’s going to help raise the little girl. He said he’s looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the best jokes for this week from the late night comedians.

“On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she’s against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He’s retiring.” –Jay Leno

“After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

“I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden’s dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden.” –David Letterman

“The weather here in California is very nice. But it’s freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn’t that amazing? So it’s nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.” –Jay Leno

“The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald’s announcing they’re bringing back the McRib sandwich.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll asked Americans who their ideal next-door neighbor would be. The No. 1 answer was the Obama family, mainly because the Obamas are the kind of neighbors who would lend you a cup of sugar or a trillion dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

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We’ve all heard, by now, about the terrorist’s attempted suicide bombing on a plane on Christmas day.  Fortunately, he did not succeed.  You’ll all be happy to know, as a result, airport security tightened and the next day they were able to swiftly and safely confiscate a highly dangerous jar of almond butter that my daughter tried to take on board a plane – whew!

Who knows what she or someone who might steal the almond butter from her could have done.  It could have been spread over the windshield of the plane, thereby blocking the pilot’s vision and preventing a safe landing.  Or, it could have been spread in the aisle so as the flight attendant steps in it, it slows her down enough that she wouldn’t be able to serve the pilot his in-flight alcohol in a timely fashion to get him drunk, which upsets his rhythm and crashes the plane.  The possibilities here are endless.  (SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a potential terrorist please stop reading now because I don’t want you to get any terrorism ideas from this article.)

It was comforting to have her tell me, though, that her almond butter would not have been taken away if the container had been 3 ounces or less.  I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that airport security is using logic and good common sense.  If you had no more than 3 ounces of the stuff, for example, you couldn’t possibly cover the entire windshield, another disaster averted!

Earlier this year I had forgotten myself and put my, greater than 3 ounce container of toothpaste, in my carry-on bag and I was happy to know that it was confiscated before I got onto the plane.  If some terrorist had found that stuff in my bag and stolen it he could have taken it into the bathroom and brushed his teeth until the 5 ounce of toothpaste was all used up.  Then his teeth would be so white so that he could go into the plane, get everyone’s attention, and smile widely while flashing a light on his teeth and blinding everyone, thereby, taking over the plane.  We are safe in the hands of airport security!!!

Laying off airport security for the moment, lest they never let me fly anywhere again, that terrorist on Christmas day was not a particularly bright guy.  He had the bomb hidden in his underwear.  If a bomb blew up in his underwear what did the idiot think he was going to do when he got his reward of “70 virgins in heaven”.  He would have gotten a glimpse of the virgins, started salivating, and upon feeling no urges down below, actually having nothing down below, he would be screaming, “I WANT A DO OVER!”

If terrorists are willing to blow up their nether regions I’m sure they wouldn’t mind putting a bomb inside their mouths either.  I’ll bet airport security will come up with an effective plan to combat that strategy, like giving random noogies to the flyers as they come through the line so that when they scream, “I’m telling my mom,” the bomb in their mouth will fall out.

Until the noogie strategy is adapted they can at least start catching the guys with bombs in their underwear by adopting the strategy of random atomic wedgies!

Here is some miscellaneous humor to help bring in the New Year:

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. – Jay Leno

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – Bill Vaughn

New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Unknown

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions! – Joey Adams

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. – Unknown

I have no trouble keeping resolutions. Well, at least the one about recycling my resolutions. I’ve successfully reused the same list since 1998. Maybe this year, I’ll finally be able to accomplish the others as well. – Mike Durrett

I resolve to assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault. – Unknown

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot. – Unknown

We’ll end with a New Year’s poem – Author Unknown:

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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