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Funny Observations from Current Events – 10/11/11

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week: Last week Michelle and President Obama celebrated their 19th wedding anniversary.  They are really looking forward to next year when the traditional gift for the 20th anniversary is china.  They are figuring...

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 04/11/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 11-04-2014

Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Seth Meyers:

A computer virus called “Heartbleed” has affected two-thirds of all websites. Security experts are warning people that they need to change their Internet passwords. Then my mom said, “No problem. I’ll just change my password to 1-2-3-4-5-7!” –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the UConn Lady Huskies, who won the National Championship just one night after the men’s team won. They had a perfect 40-0 season. The men’s team called to congratulate them, while the Lakers called to ask them when they could start in L.A. –Jimmy Fallon

Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin. –Jimmy Fallon

HBO has renewed “Game of Thrones” for two more seasons even though author George R.R. Martin hasn’t finished writing the books yet. So if you’re wondering who’s most likely to die at the end, it’s George R.R. Martin. –Jimmy Fallon

Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill. –Conan O’Brien

The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, “I haven’t been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.” –Conan O’Brien

“Captain America” is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan. –Conan O’Brien

Last week I announced that I’m retiring. Now I’m hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached. –David Letterman

I’ll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, “Mr. Letterman, I’m sorry. I just can’t print the jokes any bigger.” –David Letterman

It’s Derek Jeter’s final year in baseball. Don’t you hate it when a guy announces his retirement a year in advance? And then spends every day milking it for cheap sentimentality? –David Letterman

On the program tonight — Lindsay Lohan. She thinks I’m Dr. Phil. She’s very excited to be here tonight because this means she’ll have an alibi. –David Letterman

Researchers say our brains are changing because of the Internet, because we’re not reading in a linear fashion anymore. So the Internet is destroying our brains. That’s what The Washington Post says. That’s a newspaper. They are going to say the Internet’s bad. That’s like Cat Fancy magazine coming out against dogs. –Craig Ferguson

The Washington Post says Americans spend five hours online every day. And that’s just signing up for Obamacare. –Craig Ferguson

Classic novels will have to be more like tweets so people can understand them. You’ll no longer join Oprah’s Book Club. It will be Oprah’s Tweet Club. –Craig Ferguson

Titles of classic books will have to be changed for people with short attention spans. You’ll have “A Tale of One City.” “The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to Fresno.” “The Grape of Wrath.” “Of Mouse and Man.” “The Guinness Book of One or Two Things.” “Gulliver’s Staycation.” –Craig Ferguson

Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else. –Seth Meyers

France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses. –Seth Meyers

A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day. –Seth Meyers

New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild. –Seth Meyers

A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, “That’s easy, it’s in Russia now.” –Conan O’Brien

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theater. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good. –Conan O’Brien

A new survey shows that New York is still the top spot for vacationers during holidays. And the most popular New York City attraction for those tourists is the middle of the sidewalk. –Seth Meyers

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, “I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats.” He added, “I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train.” –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 04/04/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 04-04-2014

Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is “here to stay.” He added, “because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a kid here in New York who has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seriously? I can’t even name all eight Ivy League colleges. –Jimmy Fallon

He was accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Even his parents were like, “Nerd.” –Jimmy Fallon

Las Vegas just opened the world’s tallest Ferris wheel, which is 550 feet high. They say it’s the perfect place to take your kids — and then leave them while you hit the blackjack table. –Jimmy Fallon

Baseball season started this week. This year for $500 you can have your marriage proposal shown live on the Jumbotron at the Astros stadium. It’s also the only way Astros fans will get to see anyone receive a ring. –Conan O’Brien

“Noah” is a blockbuster of a movie with a lot of surprises. Two days out and Noah realized he’s allergic to lion dander. –David Letterman

My favorite scene in the “Noah” movie was during the big storm when Noah is on deck struggling with an umbrella. –David Letterman

They had two of every species on the ark. We get that here in the balcony some nights. –David Letterman

The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She’ll get the house and the car and he’ll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus . . .  –Seth Meyers

Vladimir Putin’s divorce became final today. So ladies, he’s officially single. Run! –Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear “evitable.” What does evitable mean? –Seth Meyers

That’s right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, “What, it’s illegal?” –Seth Meyers

Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, “window shopping.” –Jimmy Fallon

The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months. –Jimmy Fallon

If you still haven’t enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the “individual shared responsibility payment,” which is 1 percent of your salary. Then Americans said, “Good thing I don’t have a job.” –Jimmy Fallon

U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world’s supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, “OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.” –Jimmy Fallon

Southwest Airlines is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being their headquarters, the show will be delayed for two hours. –Conan O’Brien

Dallas is the largest city in America that is not near a large body of water. That explains the city’s original motto: “Whose bright idea was this?” –Conan O’Brien

The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence — also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce. –Conan O’Brien

The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume. –Seth Meyers

The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.” –Seth Meyers

Tiger Woods announced that he won’t play in the Masters because he’s recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging — and also golfing. –Seth Meyers

During a show put on for China’s Fashion Week, three different models fell on the runway — proving it’s really hard to walk and make clothes at the same time. –Seth Meyers

The March Madness Final Four was set last night with Connecticut taking on Florida, and Wisconsin taking on Kentucky. Meanwhile, Duke will be taking on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. –Jimmy Fallon

Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin. –Jimmy Fallon

California is having to drive 30 million salmon to the ocean because this year’s drought has dried up the rivers that normally get them there. Unfortunately, to make the salmon comfortable, the truckers had to drive against traffic.  –Jimmy Fallon

Today the federal government unveiled new safety guidelines that will require all new cars to have rearview cameras by 2018. Rearview cameras — or as that was called in our station wagon growing up, “Jimmy.” –Jimmy Fallon

It’s great to be here in Dallas for the Final Four. Of course, in Texas the Final Four refers to the number of Democrats in the Legislature. –Conan O’Brien

I will try my hardest ever to give you people a great show. You know why? Because I know you’re all armed. –Conan O’Brien

Today is opening day for Major League Baseball. By the way, just an hour ago the Houston Astros were mathematically eliminated. –Conan O’Brien

Sports is not the only thing you have in this town. Dallas is home to many incredible art museums. And while I’m here I plan to drive by all of them. –Conan O’Brien

(Guest host Drew Carey): I’m so very excited to be on “The Late Late Show” because growing up I wanted to be a talk-show host, but success got in the way. –Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

Craig called me and said, “You want to host the show?” And I said, “You’ve got a show?” I was shocked.  -Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

I saw “Noah” this weekend. Not as good as the book. –Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

Keith Richards is writing a children’s book. I think it’s called “Green Eggs and Whiskey.” Or “Horton Hears a Hallucination.” –Drew Carey for Craig Ferguson

We are minutes away from April Fools’ Day. So don’t forget to turn your friends’ clocks back an hour. –Jimmy Kimmel

April Fools’ Day sneaks up on you. But if you’re up now while your husband or wife or kids or parents are asleep, you have the upper hand. It’s almost like they’re asking you to do something to them. –Jimmy Kimmel

I want to wish a happy birthday to Batman. Yesterday was the 75th anniversary of the first time Batman appeared in a comic book. He spent a quiet evening at home watching Netflix with Robin. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, “Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.” –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 03/24/14 to 03/26/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 01-04-2014

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Captions For Vladimir Putin Photos

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

10. Two blowholes, one blowhard

9. KGBeefcake

8. Ruski business

7. Cosmonaughty

6. Dr. Turnyourheadakov

5. Studnik

4. Siberian hunky

3. Crimea river

2. Dostoyesplease

1. Horse’s ass on a horse’s ass

Top Ten Things Overheard In Line For The Cupcake ATM

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

10. “A cupcake-dispensing machine — take that, China!”

9. “Finally — a fast way to get unhealthy food”

8. “Nothing comes out of an ATM that I won’t eat”

7. “My pin number is also my cholesterol level”

6. “Everyone here smells like weed”

5. “I miss talking to a cupcake teller”

4. “Damn frosting fees”

3. “Go ahead and eat the receipt!”

2. “Quit licking the slot”

1. “Wait your turn, Governor Christie”

Top Ten People Who Will Go To Hell

Monday, March 24, 2014

10. Hostesses who won’t seat you until everyone in your party arrives

9. Whoever told Regis Philbin he could rap (video of Regis rapping)

8. Most Jong-Uns

7. People who answer their phone, “Yello?”

6. Non-Beliebers

5. 80 percent of the people on the E! Network

4. People who say, “Can I borrow you for a sec?”

3. People with the desire and financial means to visit Hell

2. Presidents who never wear a shirt (video of shirtless Vladimir Putin)

1. Anyone who lists people who will go to Hell

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/28/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 28-03-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says “LOL,” he means “Look out, Latvia.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Putin doesn’t have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won’t stop bragging about it. –Jimmy Fallon

Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they’re not calling it a split. They’re calling it a “conscious uncoupling.” –Jimmy Fallon

Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the “Bling Bishop” after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a “conscious unbishopping.” –Jimmy Fallon

One of President Obama’s secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it’s spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea. –Conan O’Brien

The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left. –Conan O’Brien

In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile. –Conan O’Brien

It’s not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia. –David Letterman

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here’s what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that’s like being told you can’t go to the Daytime Emmys. –David Letterman

President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He’s filling in for Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

In Colorado a big convention is going on for five days. It’s expected to bring in thousands of people, and it’s devoted to one of my favorite things: balloons. Yes, the World Balloon Convention is going on in Denver. And I’m stuck here! –Craig Ferguson

I can’t believe the World Balloon Convention is in Denver. What could the people of Colorado possibly have that would suddenly make them transfixed by balloons? –Craig Ferguson

Do you think when we’re not looking, animals make balloon people? –Craig Ferguson

A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama’s visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel’s hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they’re just hung over. –Jimmy Kimmel

The NFL made a big announcement yesterday that will greatly impact how players celebrate in the end zone. The league has banned players from dunking over the goal post. If I want to watch a sport without dunking, I’ll watch the WNBA. –Jimmy Kimmel

Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It’s expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say “Yes, I am 18.” –Seth Meyers

This week Diddy announced he’s going back to his old nickname of Puff Daddy. But your dad will probably just keep calling him “Kanye.” –Seth Meyers

A New Jersey man who was released last week after 15 years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. He learned a valuable lesson. Next time, steal both shoes at the same time. –Seth Meyers

President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, “All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.” –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It’s a pretty big loss — you know, for my monologue. –Jimmy Fallon

“Divergent” was the No. 1 movie at the box office over the weekend, taking in $56 million. It takes place in a bleak futuristic world in which no one’s ever read or seen “The Hunger Games.” –Jimmy Fallon

Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican. Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers. –Jimmy Fallon

Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special “Judge Judy.” –Conan O’Brien

There are some accusations that Silicon Valley discriminates against people because of their age. Elderly groups are so furious about this that they plan to send Silicon Valley an angry fax. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a new website that helps you write elaborate works of personalized fiction. It’s called Match.com. –Conan O’Brien

They’ve kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won’t be getting his G-8 jacket. He won’t be getting the G-8 mug. And he’s not going to get the G-8 tote bag. –David Letterman

Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson. –David Letterman

Michelle Obama is in China. I wonder if while she’s over there she could get them to do something about those leaky cardboard takeout containers. –David Letterman

Pope Francis called out the Mafia. He said, “You Mafia guys are all going to hell.” It got me to thinking, who else is going to hell? What about those guys who honk the second the light turns green? –David Letterman

Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward. –Seth Meyers

Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online. –Seth Meyers

Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia — and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car. –Jimmy Fallon

Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn’t want to visit any country he can’t keep. –Jimmy Fallon

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride. But they’re making some changes to it. They’re making the Russian section much, much larger. –Jimmy Fallon

While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship. –Conan O’Brien

Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly invested millions of dollars into a computer that can speak and think as a person. The computer is known as “Mark Zuckerberg.” –Conan O’Brien

Let’s talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it’s like? It’s like President Obama’s approval rating. –David Letterman

In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner. –David Letterman

President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful. –David Letterman

In an interview with “Meet the Press,” former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the “send” button on his typewriter. –Seth Meyers

Three elephants escaped from a circus in suburban St. Louis on Saturday, and before they were captured they damaged two vehicles, injuring over 50 clowns. –Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/21/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 21-03-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers:

The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts tomorrow and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama’s past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win. –Jimmy Fallon

The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin’s approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada. –Jimmy Fallon

It seems like everybody’s weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift. –Jimmy Fallon

Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there’s always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag. –Jimmy Fallon

The NCAA tournament tips off tomorrow. As is now the tradition, President Obama revealed his bracket picks today. He has Florida, Arizona, Louisville, and Michigan State in the final four with Michigan State beating Louisville to win it. I’d take his picks with a grain of salt. He also picked Louis Anderson to win on the reality show “Splash.” –Jimmy Kimmel

This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don’t elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show — “Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo.” –Jimmy Kimmel

There was a major scientific finding this weekend out of Harvard. The physicists there believe they’ve proven the Big Bang theory. Those of you who aren’t familiar with the intricacies of the Big Bang theory, it’s a scientific theory based on a CBS TV show, I think. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga. -Seth Meyers

North Dakota is rolling out a new recruiting campaign hoping to fill more than 20,000 open jobs in the state. The only catch is, when they ask where you see yourself in five years, you have to say North Dakota. -Seth Meyers

Two New York men have been charged with insider trading after authorities caught them exchanging secret messages on cocktail napkins and eating them to hide the evidence. The men came up with the plan after they both got sick from eating their BlackBerrys. -Seth Meyers

Singer John Mayer is suing Charlie Sheen’s best friend after the man sold him $5 million worth of fake Rolexes. If you can’t trust someone who introduces himself as “Charlie Sheen’s Best Friend” then who can you trust? -Seth Meyers

Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it’s “always right.” Then he went back to organizing an election where you can’t vote “No.” –Jimmy Fallon

The White House revealed that more than 5 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, thanks to the administration’s recent push. They said, “And if 5 million signed up, that means at least 50 million tried to sign up.” –Jimmy Fallon

This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn’t where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it’s not where it should be — kind of like the letters in “Reince Priebus.” –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in China have developed these things called “smart tags” that stick to containers and change color when food has gone bad. That’s in addition to that other thing that changes color when food goes bad — food. –Jimmy Fallon

Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie “Noah.” That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope’s giant hat? -Craig Ferguson

Let’s name the Pope’s favorite movies. There’s “Holy Ghost Busters.” “Dude, Where’s My Cardinal?” “Sistine Candles.” “Amen in Black.” “Live and Let Diocese.” “A Pew Good Men.” And “How to Train Your Deacon.” -Craig Ferguson

The movie “Noah” is an adaptation from the Bible, of course. For some of you young people, the Bible is like a long papery tweet from God. -Craig Ferguson

In the middle of his latest speech, the president of Colombia wet his pants. I was going to show it here but it makes me sad. I mean, I thought OUR president was having trouble with leaks. -Craig Ferguson –Jimmy Kimmel

Transportation officials released a study that shows that over the last 10 years the percentage of Californians who drive has dropped 12 percent, while the percentage who walk, bike, or take public transit has doubled to 22 percent. So get ready for a bunch of Schwinn-by shootings, I guess. –Jimmy Kimmel

If I see a guy on a bike in L.A., I immediately assume he got a DUI and they took his car away. –Jimmy Kimmel

Whenever I see somebody walking in L.A., unless they’re wearing yoga pants I assume they’re in trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only time I walk in L.A. is when I forgot where I parked. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn’t know where Crimea was, don’t worry, it’s gone. -Seth Meyers

Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place. -Seth Meyers

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, “Reince Priebus” sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare. -Seth Meyers

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Thanks to all the fans who wished me a happy holiday, thank you to the people who visited New York to celebrate, and most of all, thank you for leaving your TV on NBC before you passed out. –Jimmy Fallon

St. Patrick’s Day is a huge deal here in New York City. Two million people turned out today for the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. It’s the one parade where the horses are the ones that have to watch where they step. –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can’t find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, “Yeah, right.” –Jimmy Fallon

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, when we commemorate the time St. Patrick drove all the alcoholics out of New Jersey and into Manhattan. -Seth Meyers

On Saturday, Los Angeles subway workers unearthed prehistoric fossils that are at least 2 million years old. Scientists could tell the fossils were indigenous to L.A. because they were each found clutching a headshot and a smoothie. -Seth Meyers

A professor at Virginia Tech claims he can turn woodchips into food. However, still no luck with kale. -Seth Meyers

darnfunnyonline.com

David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 03/10/14 to 03/14/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 18-03-2014

Tags: , , ,

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Terms Never Before Searched For On The Internet

Friday, March 14, 2014

10. How to turn on computer

9. Amish singles

8. How much do you tip animals at the zoo?

7. Timeshares in Pyongyang

6. People wearing horizontal stripes

5. “Save Radio Shack” petition

4. Men’s Wearhouse guy naked

3. Elderly man drinking raw eggs (video of Dave and Sylvester Stallone drinking raw eggs)

2. Knicks playoff tickets

1. Chris Christie abs

Top Ten Questions People Have About The New Television Show “Sex Box”

Thursday, March 13, 2014

10. “What took you so long?”

9. “How much boxing is involved?”

8. “Isn’t this a rip-off of Merv Griffin’s ‘Copulation Cube’?”

7. “Is this too intellectual for television?”

6. “If I like my sex box ,can I keep my sex box?”

5. “What channel should I watch so I don’t see it?”

4. “How often do they sterilize the box?”

3. “Do I need a partner?”

2. “How does it compare to Newt Gingrich’s sex box?”

1. “Is there a home game?”

Top Ten Notes Taken By The Hostile Cat’s Therapist

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

10. Great — another non-talking cat

9. Won’t stop licking himself

8. Lingering trauma from neutering

7. Insurance provider: Obamacare

6. Anger stems from visit to Houston in August

5. No progress today after moth flew into room

4. Breakthrough today: Patient stopped clawing my face

3. Hates being called “Kitty”

2. I should’ve become a monkey dentist (video of a monkey root canal)

1. Barricading myself in closet; calling 911

Top Ten Thoughts I’ve Had 4,000 Times

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

10. “Another Top Ten list? Really?” (Kathy Mavrikakis)

9. “Maybe today I’ll get to meet Dave” (Jill Goodwin)

8. “He’s coming — hide!” (Pat Farmer)

7. “Any openings at ‘Wheel of Fortune’? (Walter Kim)

6. “What is Dave sobbing about now? (Sheila Rogers)

5. “Someday I’ll be holding cue cards in front of the camera” (Tony Mendez)

4. “What is this headset for?” (Biff Henderson)

3. “That balcony ain’t gonna hold up much longer” (Harold Larkin)

2. “Stop fussing with your tie, jackass” (Susan Hum)

1. “I should have never left Canada” (Paul Shaffer)

Top Ten Questions Justin Bieber Would Answer “I Don’t Know”

Monday, March 10, 2014

10. “Should I call you Justin or Bizzle?”

9. “What the hell does ‘Bizzle’ mean?”

8. “Does someone need a timeout?”

7. “How many subpoenas am I holding?”

6. “Is Green Bay part of Lake Michigan?” (shot of woman from Green Bay in the audience)

5. “When was the last time you urinated in a mop bucket?”

4. “Who is Adele Dazeem?”

3. “You call that a haircut?”

2. “Will you forgive Letterman for grabbing your tattoo?” (video of Dave grabbing Justin’s arm)

1. “How do you walk through a revolving door?”

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 04/14/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 14-03-2014

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Seth Myers:

President Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, because whenever someone visits New York the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap. –Jimmy Fallon

A family called the police because their cat cornered them in a bedroom. They would’ve climbed out the window but their hamster was blocking the way. –Jimmy Fallon

Keith Richards just announced that he is working on a new children’s book. It’s called “Oh, the Places You’ll Wake Up.” –Jimmy Fallon

In Toronto an 18-year-old girl is running against Rob Ford in that city’s mayoral election. Her campaign slogan is “Vote for me. I’m not a crack addict.” –Conan O’Brien

In Florida, the town of Hampton has been found to be so corrupt the state may dissolve it, basically ending the town’s existence. Which of course begs the question: How bad of a town do you have to be to be an embarrassment to Florida? .” –Conan O’Brien

Archeologists just discovered a leather belt believed to be 4,000 years old. So now we know why Larry King wears suspenders. .” –Conan O’Brien

Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn’t been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up. –David Letterman

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise. –David Letterman

They have now made Stallone’s “Rocky” into a Broadway musical. It’s getting such great early notices that they’re already working on another one. I think the second one is “Rambo Get Your Gun.” –David Letterman

New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for “no.” There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for “yes,” and one for “murder my family.” –Seth Myers

It looks like Obamacare will miss its enrollment goal of 7 million people by March 31, as only 4 million have signed up so far. Republicans haven’t been this excited since the invention of khakis. –Seth Myers

The World Wide Web turned 25 years old today. And everyone who still calls it the World Wide Web turned 50. –Seth Myers

The world’s longest-serving ice cream man is retiring after 50 years. He plans to spend the rest of his life trying to get that song out of his head. –Seth Myers

Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, “But not right away. I’m still using Obama’s Netflix password to watch ‘House of Cards.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night “talkathon” on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, “a first date.” –Jimmy Fallon

London’s famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare’s play “Hamlet” in North Korea. Of course, “Hamlet” is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, “Where do they come up with this stuff?” –Jimmy Fallon

NASA just announced that it recently discovered more than 3,000 new stars. NASA scientists say they were able to discover the stars through the careful process of turning the telescope to the left. –Jimmy Fallon

The country of New Zealand is voting on whether to change their flag. Apparently New Zealand’s current flag is a sign that says, “No, no, you’re thinking about Australia. We’re not Australia.” –Conan O’Brien

A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business. –Conan O’Brien

A clothing company is going to release a $99 wedding dress. The $99 wedding dress is the perfect way to tell your man, “I do, I guess.” –Conan O’Brien

In town right now is President Obama for a fundraiser — $32,000 a plate. People say, “That’s crazy.” Yeah, but you get unlimited breadsticks. –David Letterman

President Obama’s wife Michelle has highlighted her hair. She has blond highlights in her hair. And those will probably be the only highlights of his second term. –David Letterman

A family in Oregon called 911 after they were trapped in a bedroom by their cat. I’ll say it again. They were trapped in their bedroom by their cat. Apparently the cat held the family hostage until its demands were met. Its demands were food and sleep. –Craig Ferguson

The cat was apprehended and received a sentence of four to nine lives. –Craig Ferguson

In Denver this week they’re hosting a marijuana job fair. Who will be attending? Companies that want to hire stoners and stoners who want to work. So I don’t think anyone’s going, really. –Craig Ferguson

A marijuana job fair? Is TV-watching a job? –Craig Ferguson

President Obama today appeared on the Zach Galifianakis online comedy show “Between 2 Ferns.” The president was there to talk about HIS online comedy show — Obamacare. –Seth Myers

A scientist and a chef teamed up to test whether or not lobsters can feel pain. Apparently, the hardest part is getting a lobster to sit still long enough to watch “The Notebook.” –Seth Myers

To celebrate Shakespeare’s 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform “Hamlet” in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, “Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.” –Seth Myers

The big movie this weekend was “300: Rise of an Empire,” which came in No. 1 at the box office, making $45 million. It’s about a ruthless leader trying to expand his territory through any means possible. Or as Vladimir Putin calls it, “The feel-good movie of year!” –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Jong Un was re-elected today in North Korea. He got 100 percent of the vote. His slogan was, “Vote for me or you’ll be eaten by rabid dogs.” It’s awkward because that was going to be Hillary’s slogan. –Craig Ferguson

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft passed by Saturn’s largest moon for the 100th time last week. Said Mrs. Cassini, “Can we please just stop and ask for directions?” –Seth Myers

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David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists – 04/04/14 to 0407/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 11-03-2014

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions On The Easier SAT

Friday, March 7, 2014

10. A meatloaf is a loaf comprised of what?

9. What time is it? (You may use your watch)

8. Where you at dawg?

7. What city is not the capital of Kentucky?

6. Belch the alphabet–check this box when finished []

5. Is your name Duane?

4. Complete this People Magazine crossword puzzle

3. Spell SAT

2. Write anything in this blank ___________

1. Using both hands and this map, find your ass

Top Ten Guys Vladimir Putin Looks Like

Thursday, March 6, 2014

10. He looks like the guy at the gym who grunts too much

9. The guy at the strip club who hits on the strippers

8. The guy in the parking lot who takes up two spaces

7. The neighbor who keeps your kids’ frisbee when it lands in his yard

6. Inmate 527355 at the federal penitentary in Terre Haute

5. The guy who wears leather gloves in July

4. The guy in karate class who refuses to bring it down a notch

3. The guy who slices and eats food with a pocket knife

2. The personal trainer who can get you steroids

1. The guy who hogs the mic at karaoke night

Top Ten Items Sold At Radio Shack

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

10. Three-Prong To Two-Prong To Three-Prong Converter

9. Metal-Detector Detector

8. Replacement Victrola Cranks

7. Inkjet Waffle Maker

6. “Radio Shack Blows” T-Shirts

5. Kaboombox (The Combustible Boombox)

4. Calculator Warmer

2. Male-To-Male Plug Adaptors (Not available in Arizona)

1. Electric Battery Sharpener

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Reporter’s Mind At This Moment

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

10. “Hey, that snow almost hit me”

9. “I blame Obama”

8. “Usually snowplow drivers are a little more curteous”

7. “My outfit is ruined!”

6. “Get my consultant to tell that snowplow driver he’s a jerk”

5. “Well, it was worth it to show our viewers what a snowplow looks like”

4. “I must’ve pissed off Governor Christie”

3. “Snowblow me”

2. “Snowblow me”

1. “Help me, Winter Jesus!”

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/07/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 07-03-2014

Tags: , , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Myers:

President Obama has unveiled his budget for 2015. He’s referring to it as a road map for creating jobs. And young people said, “A what for creating what? Road map? Job? I’ve never had either of those things.” –Jimmy Fallon

Obama’s new budget actually includes a proposal to phase out pennies and nickels to make the government more efficient — and to make grandparents better tippers. –Jimmy Fallon

Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, “Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?” –Jimmy Fallon

Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the EU announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion. It’s kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks. –Jimmy Fallon

Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out of Kiev we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China. –Conan O’Brien

Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un. –Conan O’Brien

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, “Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.” –Conan O’Brien

Russia is denying that they censored Jared Leto’s Oscar acceptance speech. Russia said they would never disrespect such a pretty girl. –Conan O’Brien

This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork. -David Letterman

Today the Los Angeles City Council banned e-cigarettes. How do the people who smoke e-cigarettes feel about that? They feel steamed. –Craig Ferguson

If you don’t know what an e-cigarette is, get with the program, grandpa. –Craig Ferguson

They say e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes, but that’s not a high bar. Saying that e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you’re younger than Larry King. –Craig Ferguson

Saying your e-cigarettes are safer than regular cigarettes is like saying you’re tougher than Justin Bieber. It is like saying you’re more affectionate than a cat. It’s like saying you’re more trustworthy than Congress. –Craig Ferguson

We were almost obliterated by a giant asteroid today. According to NASA, a 100-foot-wide asteroid came within 216,000 miles of earth. The asteroid actually got closer to the earth than the moon. Then the moon got all jealous and went through the earth’s text messages. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, “Is the Pope Catholic?” they’re actually asking. –Seth Myers

Morgan Freeman told the Huffington Post that if he met an alien, he would ask, “Is there a God in your society?” Then he added, “And if so, could I play him?” –Seth Myers

Steven Spielberg is rumored to be directing a “West Side Story” remake. Except the Spielberg version will feature actual sharks versus actual jets –Seth Myers

Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a “thug,” and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, “My friend here will take care of you.” –Jimmy Fallon

Hey, tomorrow is the start of Lent, the time before Easter when Catholics give up their favorite things for 40 days. Or more accurately, lie about their favorite things so they don’t actually have to give up their favorite things. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin. –Jimmy Fallon

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed that he’s filming a new “Terminator” movie next month. In this one the Terminator travels 10 years into the future and meets Matthew McConaughey’s hero. –Conan O’Brien

RadioShack has announced plans to close 1,000 stores throughout the U.S. RadioShack customers were very upset when they got the news on their pagers. –Conan O’Brien

Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that’s good enough for me. -David Letterman

We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I’m not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s hard to tell whether Rob Ford is mad because his face is always bright red. It doesn’t change colors. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s Mardi Gras in New Orleans. This is the night when women traditionally penalize their fathers for not paying enough attention to them by exposing themselves to strangers in exchange for beads. –Jimmy Kimmel

A puff of glittery smoke billowed up from the chimney of the Vatican this morning to announce a new cast on “Dancing With the Stars.” Usually you have to tear through old issues of magazines at the dentist office to figure out who they are. –Jimmy Kimmel

A group of French and Russian researchers have discovered and replicated a 30,000-year-old virus found in the permafrost in Siberia. This, according to the first 10 minutes of a Nicolas Cage movie. –Seth Myers

Today is National Grammar Day. So no matter whom you are, or where you’re at, it’s literally party time, y’all. –Seth Myers

A 10-year-old in Ohio has been suspended after pretending his finger was a gun and aiming it at another student. Just wait until school officials find out he was in possession of nine other guns. –Seth Myers

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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 02/28/14

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 28-02-2014

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Myers:

The big story right now is what’s going on in the Ukraine. They’ve overthrown the government, and President Viktor Yanukovych is on the run. The Ukrainian people are looking through his home and just hanging out, like having barbecues at his place while he’s not there. –Jimmy Fallon

Now that he’s gone, the Ukrainian people are going through the empty estate, where they’ve found a hovercraft, a yacht, a helicopter pad, and ostriches. They also found a painting of his brothers — Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Jackie. –Jimmy Fallon

Wait, they found a hovercraft, a yacht, and a helicopter pad? I’m not sure if he was the president of the Ukraine or the president of SkyMall. –Jimmy Fallon

With all this uncertainty in the Ukraine right now, there’s talk that the country could be split into two separate countries. Which explains their new name: “Two Kraines.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars are coming up. Or as they’re officially called: “Hoarders, the Meryl Streep Edition.” –Conan O’Brien

A former Target employee is accusing the store of hiring only attractive people as managers. Apparently he’s talking about a Target store I have never been to. –Conan O’Brien

In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. The dispensary owner said it’s right there in the book of Dude-eronomy. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, the Dalai Lama says watching TV is a waste of time. And I’m like, “What? How dare you, Mr. Lama!” What does the Dalai Lama care about wasting time? He’s eternally reborn. He’s got all the time in the world. –Craig Ferguson

What we should do is make more shows that appeal to the Dalai Lama. How about shows like “Two and a Half Monks,” “The Big Buddha Theory” and “CSI: Tibet”? Or what about “Parks and Reincarnation”? –Craig Ferguson

A married couple in California were walking through their backyard and they found a treasure trove of rare gold coins. It’s the biggest discovery of valuable coins since Stedman cleaned out Oprah’s couch. –Craig Ferguson

Imagine finding gold in your own backyard. Right now there’s a leprechaun saying, “What happened to me pot o’ gold?” –Craig Ferguson

A New York Times poll says that eight out of 10 Democrats want Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. The same poll also shows that 10 out of 10 Democrats want Chris Christie to run against her. –Seth Myers

President Obama has announced that 4 million people have signed up for Obamacare. Obama said he wants to hit 7 million users by the end of March, at which point he’ll sell it to Facebook for $10 billion. –Seth Myers

A man in South Carolina tried to pay for his lunch with a counterfeit trillion dollar bill. Unfortunately, he came up short because he was having lunch at Whole Foods. –Seth Myers

A new drug called gravel, consisting of meth, bath salts, and crack cocaine, has surfaced in the New York area. Also surfacing in the New York area: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. –Seth Myers

The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men’s hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note. –Jimmy Fallon

The president of the Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was ousted in a major uprising this weekend. This could be bad for Vladimir Putin because a lot of people think he and Yanukovych were friends. I guess that’s why today Putin said, “We weren’t REAL friends. Just Facebook friends.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last night Jason Collins played his first game with the Brooklyn Nets, and became the NBA’s first openly gay player. Now he can move onto his next goal — becoming the Nets’ first openly GOOD player. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that being lonely is actually worse for your health than being obese. You know, because if you’re obese at least it FEELS like there’s two of you. –Jimmy Fallon

The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. They said they played like their lives were on the line because their lives WERE on the line. –Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins became the first openly gay player to play in an NBA game. He also became the first NBA player not being pursued by a woman for child support. –Conan O’Brien

Alec Baldwin announced he is stepping out of the media spotlight and leaving public life. Alec said, “I’m doing on purpose what my brothers did by accident.” –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who talk less. Which is why you often overhear women say, “Check out that mime.” –Conan O’Brien

In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi. –David Letterman

Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin. –David Letterman

Speaking of medals, the United States hockey team had no trouble getting through the airport metal detector. –David Letterman

CNN is canceling Piers Morgan’s talk show. Yes, it’s been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out. –Craig Ferguson

Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn’t be “coming back.” He’s been living under the desk for the last three years. –Craig Ferguson

The Winter Olympics wrapped up in Sochi last night. So goodbye, men in leotards. We’ll see you again in four years. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Russians finished up with a win in their favorite sport, the biathlon. What a country. They love biathletes, but they hate bi-athletes. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s a landmark night for our show tonight. It’s a milestone. This show tonight is our 2,000th show. I have to say, honestly, that I remember only about eight of them, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

If this was Oprah’s 2,000th show you guys here in the studio audience would probably walk away with some pretty cool stuff. But it’s not Oprah. It’s me. So you won’t. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Arizona Legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: “Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.” –Seth Myers

The brassiere turns 100 years old this week. And so does everyone who still calls it a brassiere. –Seth Myers

Washington, D.C., 7-Eleven stores have begun selling Dorito-coated cheese sticks. Because when 7-Eleven drops food on the floor, they don’t give up. –Seth Myers

A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that’s all there is. –Seth Myers

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